Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil

Hi Everyone!

It's crunch time here at URI since finals are next week already (semesters fly by so fast). I hope everyone is trying to be stress-free and powering through! Today I'm going to talk about children who witness domestic abuse in their homes. This subject has a lot of research behind it, but it is important to note that the research is objective, and that each individual handles things uniquely. The title of this post is "Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil" because it represents the children who are silenced, confused, or neglected when witnessing abuse.

So we've talked about abusive relationships in most of its forms, but we haven't mentioned who else it affects. We've briefly touched on friends and family and how you can help if you see someone in an abusive relationship, but what if there are children in the house?

Children who witness domestic violence are just as affected as the victim in most cases. 

It highly depends on the age of the child, and each child handles the situation differently. There are certain distinct differences we can determine based on the age of the child, however. For example, a child in the preschool age may experience distress and irritability. They may feel very close to one parent and feel anxious or fearful when away from that parent. Typically the child will be confused and not vocal about what's going on, but will show it in their playtime or other discrete ways. For a child in their pre-teen years, their experiences become much more detrimental due to their active behaviors in response to what they see going on. Kids in their pre-teens and during adolescence may involve themselves in risky or dangerous behaviors such as drug/alcohol use, risky sexual behaviors, skipping school, becoming more violent or aggressive in their demeanor, or threatening suicide or running away. This child may also do the opposite and become very reserved and avoid social interactions by isolating themselves (much like the victim). They might feel shame that they cannot help their abused parent, or they might blame the abused parent for breaking up the family or causing them problems. The child may become depressed and fearful. It should not surprise you that a lot of the times when there are children involved, the children are abused too. This is not always the case, but unfortunately it does happen.

As I've mentioned, each experience is unique to the child, but regardless of the individual the experience is always negative. There are psychological effects, and sometimes physical effects. These are very similar to the effects victims experience as well; shame, embarrassment, guilt, depression, anxiety, blame. These psychological effects affect their behaviors as well. They may remove themselves from group activities or social conventions, and maybe stop going to school altogether. They may become more aggressive or violent with their peers and act out if they are angry. They may engage in dangerous behaviors to cope with their pain and confusion, and become more distrusting of adult or authority figures. Sometimes if the child witnesses the abuse and the police intervene but the abuse still continues, the child may feel as though they are unprotected and helpless. Other times if the child sympathizes with their abused parent, they will feel shameful that they cannot help them. Unfortunately, sometimes the child will blame the victimized parent and be angrier towards them for not fixing their problems. In some cases, the child becomes so used to the violence that it becomes natural to them. They might accept violence as a way of expressing love, and think that it's okay to express oneself violently. This could be due to the fact that the abuser tells them this, or either parents don't discuss it with the child at all.

There are also possible physical effects due to witnessing abuse. The child may develop eating disorders, sleep disorders, anxiety or depression, or other physical disturbances. These physical effects may not be life-threatening, but they are stressors that indicate deeper psychological pain. You can imagine the distress and confusion the child feels being stuck in such a life-altering situation.

What To Do?

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship with children in the home, don't ignore it. You know how it affects the victim, and now you know how it affects the children. Make sure if you are in the position to talk to the victim, talk to them about the effects the abuse may have on their kids. This is obviously a sensitive subject, so be careful with your choice of words. Do not blame the victim or accuse them of neglecting their child. Simply suggest that they talk to their kids about how they feel. Have them sit down with their children and listen to their thoughts and feelings about what's going on. The victim may flat out deny the abuse, or feel their role as a parent is threatened and refuse to talk about it. If this occurs, you must respect their decision and back off for the time being. If they do agree to talk to their child, suggest the following: talk to their kids openly, listen to their kids' feelings, offer counseling or someone they trust they could talk to, reassure them that it's not their fault, acknowledge that violence is not okay, be patient, understanding, and caring with their kids. It is especially important to explain that violence is not okay because the child may begin to accept violence as a means of love. They may not understand that love does not include violence, so it is important to explain to them that it is not an acceptable way of expressing oneself. Make sure the child does not feel threatened, blamed, unloved, or rejected. The child may not always be willing to talk about their feelings immediately, but be respectfully and calmly persistent by bringing it up other times. Do not pretend as though the child is acting normally and that they are alright. More often than not they are very negatively affected.

This is a shocking video on facts about children who are in violent homes: 10 Shocking Domestic Violence Facts About Children

Even if they try just once to talk about the abuse with their child, it opens up conversation and allows for the child to feel safe, welcome, and acknowledged. Any effort counts. Do your part and stop the hurt.

For more information, go to your state's coalition site, or the national site: http://www.ncadv.org/ under "Learn" and "The Problem". Or visit this helpful site for more Info!

If you don't already, please 'like' my facebook page Stop The Hurt and follow @Stop_TheHurt on twitter!! Thank you so much for your ongoing support!