Teen Dating Abuse Awareness

Hey everyone! I have been way too lazy about posting, and I am kicking myself for not updating this in so long. There has been quite a lot going on in my life, so blogging has not been top priority. However, I CANNOT have a blog about domestic abuse and not post during Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month! 

First off, let's start with the basics again. Briefly, don't worry; just a recap.

Dating abuse = any pattern of coercive behaviors such as physical, emotional/psychological, and/or sexual attacks used against a dating partner to maintain power and control in the relationship

Most importantly I want to stress again that victims can be ANYONE. This means the victim can be female, male, Caucasian, African American, Asian, wealthy, poor, Christian, Jewish, etc. The list goes on. There is no one type of victim. This is probably the scariest fact.

Here are more scary facts about dating abuse among teens:

- 1 in 3 teens experience SOME kind of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) in their relationships

- 1 in 5 teens experience verbal/emotional abuse by a dating partner

- the group most affected/involved in dating abuse are women ages 16-24

- 1 in 5 teens report they have been sexually abused by a dating partner

- Only 33% of victims ever even told anyone about the abuse

- 2 in 5 tweens report knowing a friend who has been harassed verbally by their partner via technology

- 1 in 4 teen girls report being physically or sexually abused by a partner

These facts come from Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial (rooted in Rhode Island), as well as Love Is Not Abuse and Love Is Respect. I want to give a shout-out to these amazing organizations because they are all doing a phenomenal job working towards educating teens about abuse, and helping to prevent it!

Clearly, this issue is relevant to all of us. Too often this problem is ignored, or undermined with completely false and unnecessary excuses. Why do we do this? Why do we choose to turn our heads and pretend, or even hope, that it doesn't happen when it so clearly does? Why do we tell ourselves, "it will never happen to someone I know" or "that doesn't happen in my town"? I'm sorry to burst your hopeful bubble, but unfortunately this issue is very real and absolutely happening right in your town. It's time to talk about it. It's time to face it. It's time to end it.

Teens are 3 times more likely to experience abuse than adults. In teenhood, love is just beginning and the ideals of what love is are also forming. Teens are looking for someone to confide in, to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with, and to feel safe with. Each person is unique, but in the end we all want someone to love. This is where the problem exists the most: love. Our definitions of love are skewed in an abusive relationship. Love is not abuse. But abusers tell us otherwise. If a teen is experiencing their first relationship, who is to tell them differently? US! This is where we need to step in and make our voices heard. They need to know: YES you DO deserve to be treated better, and NO abuse is NOT love!

Abuse in teen relationships exists in many forms: physical, emotional/psychological, verbal, digital, etc. If you've read some of my past posts, you'll know the basics of each type of abuse. However, I'll delve a little deeper now by giving you examples.

*all names and scenarios are completely made up, and none of these stories are real, however they are based off of real facts and statistics

Scenario #1: Ally is starting to skip classes, which she never used to do. Her grades are dropping, her clothes are changing, and she seems much more quiet and timid around her new boyfriend. When asked about the new clothes, she said her boyfriend thought her clothes were too slutty and she wasn’t allowed to wear them in public anymore. You recently saw some bruises on her arms, but when you tried asking her about it, she didn't want to talk about it...

              Let's begin by breaking down what kinds of abuse we're seeing in Ally's relationship. Skipping class and dropping grades...are these important? YES! These are signs that something is wrong. Now, if the story stopped there then one shouldn't assume she's in an abusive relationship. However, these are absolutely signs that something is wrong in her life. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they hide or cover up qualities about themselves in order to please or satisfy their partner's demands or threats. For example, say Ally is normally a chatty girl, but when she's with her partner, she is quiet and timid. She restrains herself and doesn't feel comfortable or safe to express herself around him. This is a sign of possible abuse. So we have possible emotional abuse, and definite physical abuse since there are bruises on her arms.

Scenario #2: Justin is constantly checking his phone because his girlfriend is demanding to know who he’s with and where he is all the time. He recently told you she checks all of his texts and call records, and demands for his password to everything. If he’s hanging out with a girl, his girlfriend gets extremely jealous and angry and tells him he can never hang out with another girl or she’ll leave him. He’s admitted that he’s scared to break up with her because she’s threatened to hurt herself if he ever did.

                  Can a woman abuse a man? Absolutely, and this is a clear example of how women can emotionally abuse their partners. Justin's girlfriend is overly jealous and possessive by not "allowing" him to hang out with other girls. She is also posing threats, which is a sign of emotional abuse. She's threatening to leave the relationship if he doesn't do as she asks, but she is also threatening to hurt herself if he leaves the relationship. This leaves Justin feeling trapped. So we have emotional abuse here, but we also have digital abuse. Justin's girlfriend is monitoring Justin's activity and conversations without his consent. Also, demanding to know his passwords is a complete violation of Justin's independence and security. Not only does it damage trust issues, but it creates more power and control for his girlfriend.

Scenario #3: Nina just started dating her boyfriend, and is very religious. She wants to wait until marriage to have sex, but her boyfriend does not. She tells you he convinced her to have sex because he told her if she really loved him then she would do it regardless of her faith. Nina didn't want to, but she didn't want him to think she didn't love him. She tried to explain her faith and reasons to him, but he simply felt betrayed and made Nina feel guilty for being so "selfish". So, she had sex with him..

                      In this scenario, we see mainly sexual abuse but the emotional abuse exists as well. He may not be raping or coercing her, but he is manipulating and pressuring her. Instead, he should be respecting her faith and respecting her as a person. A lot of teens in an abusive relationship will hear, "If you really loved me you would..." and they feel obligated or pressured to do whatever their partner wants. This is not okay; both partners should feel comfortable in their own relationships, and EVERYONE deserves the right to say 'no' when they want to. Just because Nina is in a committed relationship does not mean she HAS to give up her virginity in order to keep her boyfriend around. Even in your own relationships and marriages, you ALWAYS reserve the right to say 'no'.

Now that we've dissected an abusive and unhealthy relationship, let's talk about the positives about a healthy relationship! We don't just want to stop abuse; we want to prevent it! Let's promote healthy relationships, and help guide teens to safer and healthier relationships. What does healthy love look like?

TRUST        RESPECT       HONESTY     OPEN COMMUNICATION     FEELING SAFE

       ACCEPTING ONE ANOTHER             SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER

RESPECTING BOUNDARIES                 NORMAL JEALOUSY (NOT TAKING IT OUT ON PARTNER)                SUPPORTING PARTNER'S INDEPENDENCE      COMMITMENT

Those are just a few and if you have others you would like to share, or have examples from your own lives, please share in the comments box!

Even though Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month is coming to an end, we can still continue to raise awareness and education throughout the year. This issue is not going away anytime soon unless we fight against it. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't wait to call for help. If you would like to speak with me personally, or any other peer advocate on the URI campus, call: 401-874-9293. If it is an emergency, call the national hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

I hope everyone has a great Leap Year! Enjoy your invisible day and stay safe!

Do your part and stop the hurt.

It's Time To Talk Day #7

BLOGGERS! Oh how I've missed you so much! Since I got back to school about two weeks ago my internet has been down at my house!! It upset me beyond words that I couldn't get back on here to get closer to finishing ITTTD (It's Time To Talk Day) posts, which are way overdue. But tonight I am on campus, so I am able to access internet and I am now going to share with you my seventh interview with three amazing people. Yes, I interviewed three people at the same time so it may be a little scattered at points, but all of their input is extremely valuable nonetheless! Here goes:

For my seventh interview, I was fortunate enough to speak with three important members of Start Strong Bronx: Alexandra Smith, Marc Simmons, and Evelyn Alvarez. Start Strong Bronx (and their other branches) is a non-profit organization that aims to educate 11-14 year olds about healthy relationships in order to ultimately prevent teen dating violence. They do in-school curriculums, policy work, workshops, work with social media, and much more. I have to say I LOVE this; I can't stress enough how important it is to start educating at younger ages, because relationships begin forming faster than we even realize. Start Strong has many other branches around the country including the state I'm in right now- Rhode Island! You can learn more about who they are and what they do here. And I highly encourage you to do so; their work is incredible.

So I started off the interview with Marc after he introduced himself briefly and explained the work that he does. Start Strong has a program called the Teen Advisory Board where older kids, age 15-18, provide resources and advice in a mentor-type manner to the 11-14 year olds. They implement workshops on teen dating violence which describe what an unhealthy relationship looks like. They then discuss what a healthy relationship looks like in contrast, and how to aim for a healthy relationship and avoid an unhealthy one. As I mentioned before, I love that they start the education at these young ages, and I wanted to clarify its significance with Marc. He explained to me that even at these young ages in middle school kids may not be romantically involved yet, but they are forming relationships with friends, family, and even teachers or coaches; "[at these ages are] when they start thinking about it, [it's] when they start seeing, and [it's] when they start asking questions,” The kids can still gain a lot from these platonic relationships, and it's important to learn about unhealthy relationships then before they enter the romantic world. Marc further explained that kids notice things quickly; they see what is happening all around them and are especially keen to what's going on in their close friends' or families' lives. If their older brother or sister, for example, is starting to date, they are going to notice what goes on in their relationship. So, this is the perfect time to intervene and educate them about what they should be looking for in their own future relationships.

I asked Marc what he thought about regarding shared responsibility of educating these kids between the school administrators, the youth leaders, parents, etc. Marc stressed that parents are key to education; most of what kids begin to learn first comes from home. The first relationships they see are in their own homes with their parents. If their parents are portraying an unhealthy, or violent relationship, then the child may not know or expect any different in their own life. This is why Start Strong urges parents to talk to their kids about relationships, even if the conversation starts out just by talking about healthy friendships. Starting the conversation early allows for the child to reflect and reach out if they have a problem. The Teen Advisory Board allows for a greater connection to the children as well since the age gap is a lot smaller. The youth leaders can act as role models, or even hold an older sibling type of role. This connection is great for the children because the youth leaders provide resources to them that are easily accessible. The youth leaders can guide these kids toward healthier relationships, and help if they find themselves in an unhealthy one.

Next I spoke with Evelyn about her social media work. I found this extremely interesting because it really puts these professionals in the social internet world, getting information directly from the kids. There is no better place to get information about the kids than from the kids themselves. First, however, let me briefly explain what Evelyn and her work does. The education starts in the classrooms; they teach curriculums in middle schools and high schools about what components make up a healthy relationship. Evelyn explains that they have access to the kids from 9:00am to 3:00pm, but she stresses that a lot of the important things that go on in their lives goes on after those hours. So, that's where the social media comes in; "we approach them where they are: Facebook, Twitter, texting," etc. Evelyn explains they get the inside scoop by becoming Facebook friends, or Twitter followers and keeping an eye on what's going on. They make the kids aware of what they're saying online and how they are presenting themselves. This access makes it very easy to start conversations about relationships and dating abuse: by addressing the kids where they are. This is important to understand because as much as we hope we see everything that goes on whether it is at home or at school, we have to acknowledge that most of the interactions between kids nowadays is not in person. A lot of the abuse that goes on nowadays is through technology. We have to update our own education about technology and digital abuse, so that we can better protect and inform the kids who it is directly affecting.

Lastly but not least, I spoke with Alexandra who is the Project Coordinator of Start Strong Bronx. Alexandra really wanted to speak about parents' roles in their children's lives. She wanted to explain how  important it is to talk to your kids about dating abuse; "don't be a kid's friend, be a parent," she says. Alexandra explains how kids will disengage from their parents when they are home; this could happen because they become so immersed in their technology, or simply because they don't feel comfortable or excited to share their personal feelings with their parents. Some kids are open with their parents and that's a wonderful thing, but just because they are open does not mean it excuses the dating abuse conversation from happening. Regardless of your relationship with your kids, it is always appropriate to educate them or simply talk to them about dating abuse. As you know, victims of abuse are not stereotyped; it can happen to anyone, so don't ignore it because you think it will never happen to your child. No one wants to accept that bad things can happen to our loved ones, but we must understand that in order to aid or protect them we must address the issues as if they are vulnerable to them.

Alexandra provided some tips for parents on how to start these sometimes awkward conversations about healthy relationships. She suggests you ask them about other people, not themselves necessarily. Ask them about what celebrities they like and why. What qualities do they like about that celebrity? Do they look for these same qualities in friends and dating partners? Ask questions that let the child figure it out for themselves; pose questions such as, "Well do you think Chris Brown is safe to be around?" or "Do you think Chris Brown respects others?" and allow for the child to think about those qualities. It's okay if they like his music, but they should recognize that as a person maybe he's not so nice. Try to describe the characteristics they should be looking for in another: trust, honesty, support, positive and healthy communication, safety, etc. Children are smart and they will pick up on things quickly. Don't underestimate their judgment. However, children will also model what they see in their own lives as we've mentioned before. So, be a good model for them. Alexandra says, "your kids are watching. Be the person you want your kids to be," 

I ended the interview with any last comments that Alexandra, Evelyn, and Marc wanted to close with. They all agreed we were there for a reason: love is not abuse. They said you cannot love someone if you are abusing them. If you're a bystander or a friend of a victim, don't be judgmental and remember there are agencies that are there to help! Remember that everyone deserves the right to be loved, honored, supported, and safe.

Thank you to Alexandra, Evelyn, Marc, and Start Strong Bronx for their wonderful input on this very important issue. This post is a perfect way to kick off Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month! I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did. I promise I will try to post more as soon as I have access to good internet. I have some great posts in store for all of you! Thank you so much for your support and compassion! Together I know we can do our part to stop the hurt!