Happy Halloween!
I hope you all have a great holiday. Anybody else have snow on the ground? I don't know why I still live in the north...
Today I'm going to talk about emotional abuse/psychological abuse and what it is exactly. How does it occur? Why is it important? Why is it still considered abuse?
I'm going to start with the last question: Why is it still considered abuse? For some victims of emotional abuse, an obstacle they may encounter is accepting that what they are experiencing is abuse. "I never had a black eye. I never had scratches or bruises. I never had 'proof' that I was being hurt." It is not easy to determine emotional/psychological abuse because you cannot physically look in the mirror and see that you have been abused. This often deters victims from ever reaching out for help.
Emotional abuse consists of many different kinds of abuse, but the one consistent theme is that the abuser is maintaining that same power and control in the relationship as any other abusive relationship. The ways in which they do this differs. Abusers can believe to be dominant, and demand superiority. They may be very open about their beliefs that they are superior, and use emotional tactics to enforce that power. They could belittle their partner through insults, demands, control of social life, control of finances, yelling/shouting, etc. If there is no equality in the relationship, it could be deemed abusive. Both partners need to establish their own roles in the relationship, and these roles must be divided equally so that they work together in their relationship. If each partner is contributing equally in the relationship then they will be mutually satisfied. In an abusive relationship, one partner has the upper-hand. The abuser feels entitled and deserving of their stance in the relationship; they feel as though their partner must obey to their needs. Typically, this kind of abuser is a misogynist, or someone who dislikes/mistreats/mistrusts/hates women.
Other kinds of emotional abuse are not so overt. Sometimes, and this is another reason why it is so difficult to determine/accept, emotional abuse is very covert. In other words, the abuse is well-disguised or concealed. In this covert type of emotional abuse, the abuser uses manipulation, lies, victim-blaming, the cycle of violence, degrading/demeaning/belittlement of their partner, attack of partner's self esteem, and more.
Manipulation plays into abuse when the abuser twists words and/or situations to work out in their favor in order to maintain their power. An emotional abuser uses lies to hurt their partner; they could lie to hide feelings or they could be cheating on their partner. Even the smallest lies cause the victim to feel unimportant in the relationship because they have betrayed the foundation of trust.
What is victim-blaming? Victim-blaming is an emotional tactic where abusers will blame the abuse on the victim. Instead of taking responsibility, they somehow make the victims feel like it was their fault for the abuse. For example, the abuser cheats on their partner but tells her that if she hadn't had a girls night that night then he wouldn't have gone to the party and cheated. Another example would be if the abuser insults what their partner is wearing and says that they are embarrassing to them and hurting their feelings by wearing something that would offend them. Clearly in both of these situations, the victim has done nothing wrong but the abuser somehow turns the blame on them.
The cycle of violence occurs in physical abuse as well; the typical cycle is honeymoon, tension, explosion. The honeymoon stage is when everything feels good and it feels as though nothing can go wrong. The tension stage is when the lies build up, or the insults occur. The explosion stage is when the fights break out and the victim-blaming occurs; sometimes this can result in a break-up. It is important to note that it is a cycle, so once the explosion occurs, it does go back to honeymoon. This means that from the time of the explosion, the abuser will act on bringing the relationship back to the honeymoon stage by whatever insincere means. They will apologize, take responsibility, buy gifts for the partner, or "try to make it up to them".
An abuser attacks their partner's self esteem by belittling/demeaning/degrading and insulting their partner. Their abuser purposefully does this to maintain their power and make their partner feel dependent and weak.
This is why emotional abuse is so hard to come to grips with because it is so hard to see. Everyone knows when someone is mean, but when it is combined with the cycle involving the honeymoon stage, victim-blaming so that the victim cannot even realize that the abuser was in the wrong, and coercive manipulation, it is very hard for the victim to see that they are a victim. This is why it is especially important to help victims of emotional abuse, because it may come to a point where the victim feels worthless. Emotional abuse is extremely scarring, even if there are no physical scars to see.
I hope you all have a safe and fun Halloween today. Don't forget that as Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to an end, we still carry with us the support and awareness every day of the year. So never forget to do your part and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 28, 2011
Trick-or-Treat
It is officially Halloweekend! I hope you all have great costumes and safe plans for the weekend! I don't want to flood today's blog with too much information, so I'm just going to talk about Halloween and the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
I know for the ladies out there that finding classy, yet sexy, costumes can be quite a difficult task. No one wants to cross the line from sexy to slutty. There are so many costumes that are hardly considered scary and very accentuating in the chest area. If you'd like some examples, go to any Halloween online shop and you will most likely find a category named "Sexy Costumes". So if you choose to wear a "sexy" costume, how do you avoid the slutty commentary?
The word "slut" itself calls for much controversy. There are a lot of problems with this word and its connotations and suggestions. A lot of the costumes suggest male dominance and female subordination. A lot of costumes suggest sexual innuendos and inappropriate gestures. How do we maintain our sexiness without suggesting sex? Just because you are a woman, does not mean you have to wear sexual, degrading, and demeaning costumes. And if you choose to wear a sexy costume, you reserve the right to wear it and not be judged/ridiculed/groped/sexually assaulted/catcalled...the list goes on. Wear what you want!
I read a yahoo! answers question asking for any tips on how to make a matching domestic violence costume with her boyfriend including bruises and black eyes.......I can't even begin to comprehend why this couple thinks this is appropriate, and thankfully the commenter agrees with me. Not only is this extremely inappropriate, but it's undoubtedly inconsiderate and ignorant. This girl needs to realize that condoning that domestic violence is accepted in our society is allowing it to prosper. Domestic violence is no joke and should never be treated as such. Another commenter said they are wearing a costume to represent a victim to raise awareness..creative, I guess? It's an interesting idea, but I'm still a little hesitant; people may not catch on that she is raising awareness, but rather assume she is poking fun at the violence. I would hope that you're all wearing violent-free costumes this year and every year!
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to an end, some really cool events are occurring incorporating this fun holiday.
In Cincinnati, there is a fundraiser for Familes for Families that helps women experiencing domestic abuse: http://cincinnati.com/blogs/eyeontheeastside/2011/10/03/halloween-event-to-help-domestic-violence-victims/
In St. Louis, there is a 5k race where all proceeds go to a Women's Safe Shelter: http://www.connectwithstlouis.com/event/hermann-london-halloween-5k-for-domestic-violence-charities/
In Washington D.C., there is a Violence Is Scary annual fundraiser for the NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence): http://www.violenceisscary.com/
At the University of West Florida, they are hosting a fundraiser for domestic violence at their school: https://uwf.collegiatelink.net/organization/wheat18/calendar/details/96670
In Massachusetts, there is a fundraiser to raise awareness about gay men experiencing domestic violence: http://www.edgeptown.com/?126109
And, this past week I organized a mini fundraiser with a drawing for candy corn and all proceeds/donations went directly to URI's Violence Prevention and Advocacy Services!
As you can see, people all over the country are working to bring domestic violence to an end. So let's have a great halloweekend and end Domestic Violence Awareness Month with a BOO! :)
Be safe everyone, and don't forget to do your part and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
I know for the ladies out there that finding classy, yet sexy, costumes can be quite a difficult task. No one wants to cross the line from sexy to slutty. There are so many costumes that are hardly considered scary and very accentuating in the chest area. If you'd like some examples, go to any Halloween online shop and you will most likely find a category named "Sexy Costumes". So if you choose to wear a "sexy" costume, how do you avoid the slutty commentary?
The word "slut" itself calls for much controversy. There are a lot of problems with this word and its connotations and suggestions. A lot of the costumes suggest male dominance and female subordination. A lot of costumes suggest sexual innuendos and inappropriate gestures. How do we maintain our sexiness without suggesting sex? Just because you are a woman, does not mean you have to wear sexual, degrading, and demeaning costumes. And if you choose to wear a sexy costume, you reserve the right to wear it and not be judged/ridiculed/groped/sexually assaulted/catcalled...the list goes on. Wear what you want!
I read a yahoo! answers question asking for any tips on how to make a matching domestic violence costume with her boyfriend including bruises and black eyes.......I can't even begin to comprehend why this couple thinks this is appropriate, and thankfully the commenter agrees with me. Not only is this extremely inappropriate, but it's undoubtedly inconsiderate and ignorant. This girl needs to realize that condoning that domestic violence is accepted in our society is allowing it to prosper. Domestic violence is no joke and should never be treated as such. Another commenter said they are wearing a costume to represent a victim to raise awareness..creative, I guess? It's an interesting idea, but I'm still a little hesitant; people may not catch on that she is raising awareness, but rather assume she is poking fun at the violence. I would hope that you're all wearing violent-free costumes this year and every year!
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month comes to an end, some really cool events are occurring incorporating this fun holiday.
In Cincinnati, there is a fundraiser for Familes for Families that helps women experiencing domestic abuse: http://cincinnati.com/blogs/eyeontheeastside/2011/10/03/halloween-event-to-help-domestic-violence-victims/
In St. Louis, there is a 5k race where all proceeds go to a Women's Safe Shelter: http://www.connectwithstlouis.com/event/hermann-london-halloween-5k-for-domestic-violence-charities/
In Washington D.C., there is a Violence Is Scary annual fundraiser for the NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence): http://www.violenceisscary.com/
At the University of West Florida, they are hosting a fundraiser for domestic violence at their school: https://uwf.collegiatelink.net/organization/wheat18/calendar/details/96670
In Massachusetts, there is a fundraiser to raise awareness about gay men experiencing domestic violence: http://www.edgeptown.com/?126109
And, this past week I organized a mini fundraiser with a drawing for candy corn and all proceeds/donations went directly to URI's Violence Prevention and Advocacy Services!
As you can see, people all over the country are working to bring domestic violence to an end. So let's have a great halloweekend and end Domestic Violence Awareness Month with a BOO! :)
Be safe everyone, and don't forget to do your part and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Monday, October 24, 2011
Prevention For the Future
Hey all! I hope you all had a great weekend! All stocked up for Halloween? Costumes, candy, pumpkins, and purple ribbons for domestic violence awareness? :)
My last post was about prevention through education for people who may know victims of abuse. If you're looking for more information about that, check out the Love is Not Abuse campaign. They are an incredible organization that does a lot of work in prevention for high school and college students. Truly incredible work. Just go to loveisnotabuse.com !
Today's post will be about how to help prevent future victims. I know this concept seems like a long shot, but I have theories that may help. I have done some research on my own as well as being a trained peer advocate, but as I've mentioned before prevention is very difficult to prove. However, I will address it for as long as it's still happening.
Just like for people who know victims, education is key. No victim ever asks for what happens to them, and there is no simple way to detect who is more likely to be a victim. Victims are any age, race, ethnicity, gender, social or economic class, etc. So it can happen to anyone. Not only is this scary, but it's also very hard to narrow down. However, if we look at the abuse that occurs, it is easier to address.
Typically an abuser will make their partner feel like they need them in order to be happy, or successful. They will typically make them feel worthless, or weak, without them. Abusers will use emotional tactics to maintain control or power and/or physical tactics to enforce their power. Abusers make their partner feel inferior.
So, what do we address? My personal belief is that abusers deteriorate their victim's self-esteem. They do this by the examples above. So, I believe if we teach youth how to maintain a healthier self-image, then they will be less likely to tolerate abuse. If we teach youth more self-respect and self-love, they will be less likely to tolerate their partner disrespecting them. This is not by any means suggesting that the victim "allows" abuse to happen, but rather allows them a sense of self-control. We have to teach youth to understand that no one has the right to control them. The reason I posted about bullying is because bullies are strongly correlated to abusers. If we teach kids at a young age that bullying is not okay, then they may see the pattern as they get older that abuse is not okay either. I believe we need to show kids that respect needs to be mutual, and that no one has the right to disregard that. Self-love is not narcissism. It is simply respecting oneself, prioritizing one's happiness and well-being, and gaining acceptance of their individualism. If we encourage kids to love themselves, they will learn to respectfully care for others. Self-love develops self-worth, which is exactly what an abusive partner attacks. We must help kids maintain their self-worth and never let someone try to break it down. Self-love and self-worth are more powerful than any abuse.
Another way to help prevent abuse is to encourage more community-based mindsets. Silence is the killer. Ignorance is the killer. Indifference is the killer. If we, as a society, stand up against abuse and acknowledge that it is unacceptable, then we are changing the way we, and others, think about abuse. Rather than ignoring it, we must address it directly. This way communities will be more aware of it, more inclined to intervene, more inclined to rise above it, and more inclined to spread the word that abuse will not be tolerated in their community. We have to discourage the bystander effect and show kids that it's good to stand up against what is wrong. If we start small with just our families and small towns, the awareness can spread to larger groups and communities. We need to address the fact that abuse does happen in our own backyards, and that we can and should do something to stop it. We have to stop the notion that "abuse would never happen in my town" or "abuse would never happen to someone I know" and recognize that it can happen and we will stand against it. By raising our own self-awareness and spreading it to our families, they will spread this awareness to their communities, and eventually to greater society.
In order to prevent abuse we need social change. Sounds easy enough right? Of course it's not easy, but neither was the Civil Rights Movement. Neither was the 19th Amendment allowing women to vote. But you never saw any of the people say "well, it was a good try" and give up. These powerful activists all showed one thing: justice concurs. It may take a long and frustrating fight, but in the end justice will prevail and the abuse will end. We all must contribute to making things right in our society.
Do your part, and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
My last post was about prevention through education for people who may know victims of abuse. If you're looking for more information about that, check out the Love is Not Abuse campaign. They are an incredible organization that does a lot of work in prevention for high school and college students. Truly incredible work. Just go to loveisnotabuse.com !
Today's post will be about how to help prevent future victims. I know this concept seems like a long shot, but I have theories that may help. I have done some research on my own as well as being a trained peer advocate, but as I've mentioned before prevention is very difficult to prove. However, I will address it for as long as it's still happening.
Just like for people who know victims, education is key. No victim ever asks for what happens to them, and there is no simple way to detect who is more likely to be a victim. Victims are any age, race, ethnicity, gender, social or economic class, etc. So it can happen to anyone. Not only is this scary, but it's also very hard to narrow down. However, if we look at the abuse that occurs, it is easier to address.
Abuse is: demeaning, intimidation, power, control, meanness, irrational, manipulation, calculated.
Typically an abuser will make their partner feel like they need them in order to be happy, or successful. They will typically make them feel worthless, or weak, without them. Abusers will use emotional tactics to maintain control or power and/or physical tactics to enforce their power. Abusers make their partner feel inferior.
So, what do we address? My personal belief is that abusers deteriorate their victim's self-esteem. They do this by the examples above. So, I believe if we teach youth how to maintain a healthier self-image, then they will be less likely to tolerate abuse. If we teach youth more self-respect and self-love, they will be less likely to tolerate their partner disrespecting them. This is not by any means suggesting that the victim "allows" abuse to happen, but rather allows them a sense of self-control. We have to teach youth to understand that no one has the right to control them. The reason I posted about bullying is because bullies are strongly correlated to abusers. If we teach kids at a young age that bullying is not okay, then they may see the pattern as they get older that abuse is not okay either. I believe we need to show kids that respect needs to be mutual, and that no one has the right to disregard that. Self-love is not narcissism. It is simply respecting oneself, prioritizing one's happiness and well-being, and gaining acceptance of their individualism. If we encourage kids to love themselves, they will learn to respectfully care for others. Self-love develops self-worth, which is exactly what an abusive partner attacks. We must help kids maintain their self-worth and never let someone try to break it down. Self-love and self-worth are more powerful than any abuse.
Another way to help prevent abuse is to encourage more community-based mindsets. Silence is the killer. Ignorance is the killer. Indifference is the killer. If we, as a society, stand up against abuse and acknowledge that it is unacceptable, then we are changing the way we, and others, think about abuse. Rather than ignoring it, we must address it directly. This way communities will be more aware of it, more inclined to intervene, more inclined to rise above it, and more inclined to spread the word that abuse will not be tolerated in their community. We have to discourage the bystander effect and show kids that it's good to stand up against what is wrong. If we start small with just our families and small towns, the awareness can spread to larger groups and communities. We need to address the fact that abuse does happen in our own backyards, and that we can and should do something to stop it. We have to stop the notion that "abuse would never happen in my town" or "abuse would never happen to someone I know" and recognize that it can happen and we will stand against it. By raising our own self-awareness and spreading it to our families, they will spread this awareness to their communities, and eventually to greater society.
In order to prevent abuse we need social change. Sounds easy enough right? Of course it's not easy, but neither was the Civil Rights Movement. Neither was the 19th Amendment allowing women to vote. But you never saw any of the people say "well, it was a good try" and give up. These powerful activists all showed one thing: justice concurs. It may take a long and frustrating fight, but in the end justice will prevail and the abuse will end. We all must contribute to making things right in our society.
Do your part, and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Friday, October 21, 2011
Can't We Prevent This?
Hello All!
Today's post will be about my personal theories on prevention of domestic abuse. I have been trained a little in this subject, but you should know that prevention is one of the hardest subjects to prove. Why? Think about it.. you're trying to prove that something didn't happen. So, clearly there is not as much evidence, or proof, that prevention works. But that should never mean that we stop trying.
I think the most important factor of prevention is education. If people know more about a subject, they are less likely to make ill-informed decisions when they are faced with an issue regarding the subject. For example, if more people are aware of the different types of contraceptives and their functions, they are more likely to use them and less likely to have unwanted pregnancies or STI's. If you want to know more about this, go to http://www.knowmoresaymore.org/know/ and they have tons of articles.
So I'm sure most of you reading this, if you're in my generation, have had health classes about domestic violence. We all have heard the "red flags", types of abuse, and the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. If you haven't, look into it. Because as I've mentioned before HOPEFULLY none of you will be victims, but someone you know may be. So this is why education is important for those who may know victims.
This post will be specifically targeting outsiders, or people who are not victims, and how they can help prevent domestic abuse through education.
- don't assume that certain people can never be victims; as I've mentioned before, domestic abuse does not discriminate...anyone can be a victim
- be realistic; if you see someone is being abused, the victim will 9/10 times deny it or make excuses for their abuser. denial and self-blame are HUGE psychological effects on victims. THIS IS IMPORTANT. victims of abuse can sometimes come up with every excuse in the book that the abuse is their fault...IT IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT. they sometimes will defend their partner, and blame the abuse on other factors (like, "he was drinking so he hit me" or "I didn't reply to her call right away, so she has a right to yell at me"). don't let them convince you that the abuse was their fault...and try to convince them that it never is
- be. patient. it is statistically proven that victims will leave their partner around 7-11 times before leaving for good. don't lose hope in them if they keep going back to their abuser. no, they are not stupid. no, they are not weak. tell them that.
- support them. if they do choose to stay with their abuser, don't abandon them as a friend. there are so many barriers to leaving an abusive relationship that someone who is not in one may never understand. some barriers are: pressure from family/friends, financial support, fear of the violence, lack of support from friends and family, maybe they have children with their abuser, they have nowhere to live if they leave, security, religion (maybe their religion does not condone divorce), denial that there even is abuse, and especially because they love and care for them. There are many, many other barriers, but love is a very big one. they may try to convince themselves that the abuse is not so bad...maybe the abuse didn't start until a year into their relationship..think about how hard it would be to accept that someone you love is abusing you. this is why you must support them, no matter where they find themselves in the relationship
- offer help; if they are looking to get out of the relationship, help them get expert advice. the breaking-up stage of an abusive relationship is usually the most dangerous time, so get expert advice on how to develop a safety plan. research resource centers and hotlines the victim can call for help
- most importantly, don't ignore it. break the silence. if you choose to pretend that you don't see it happening, you are not doing anything to stop it. this doesn't mean a physical intervention by any means, but instead recognize yourself as an advocate for ending abuse. identify yourself as someone who knows abuse is not acceptable, and spread the word. if just one person holds this mentality, it can become contagious. unfortunately, so can indifference. so rather than ignoring the problem, stand up against it.
Do your part and stop the hurt.
This is just an introduction to prevention education, so I will post more. This post focused solely on the outsider's perspective, but my next post will focus on the victim's perspective. I hope you found this useful, and as always feel free to comment or question.
Have a wonderful weekend, and everybody stay safe!! :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Today's post will be about my personal theories on prevention of domestic abuse. I have been trained a little in this subject, but you should know that prevention is one of the hardest subjects to prove. Why? Think about it.. you're trying to prove that something didn't happen. So, clearly there is not as much evidence, or proof, that prevention works. But that should never mean that we stop trying.
I think the most important factor of prevention is education. If people know more about a subject, they are less likely to make ill-informed decisions when they are faced with an issue regarding the subject. For example, if more people are aware of the different types of contraceptives and their functions, they are more likely to use them and less likely to have unwanted pregnancies or STI's. If you want to know more about this, go to http://www.knowmoresaymore.org/know/ and they have tons of articles.
So I'm sure most of you reading this, if you're in my generation, have had health classes about domestic violence. We all have heard the "red flags", types of abuse, and the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. If you haven't, look into it. Because as I've mentioned before HOPEFULLY none of you will be victims, but someone you know may be. So this is why education is important for those who may know victims.
This post will be specifically targeting outsiders, or people who are not victims, and how they can help prevent domestic abuse through education.
For People Who Know/Think They Know Victims of Abuse
- educate yourself on what abuse is and all its forms; understand that it is not only physical sometimes, and that emotional abuse exists and can be just as scarring. once you've educated yourself, educate others! spark a conversation about an article you read, or some really awesome blog you read (hint, hint) to stir up a discussion about domestic abuse; spread the word- don't assume that certain people can never be victims; as I've mentioned before, domestic abuse does not discriminate...anyone can be a victim
- be realistic; if you see someone is being abused, the victim will 9/10 times deny it or make excuses for their abuser. denial and self-blame are HUGE psychological effects on victims. THIS IS IMPORTANT. victims of abuse can sometimes come up with every excuse in the book that the abuse is their fault...IT IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT. they sometimes will defend their partner, and blame the abuse on other factors (like, "he was drinking so he hit me" or "I didn't reply to her call right away, so she has a right to yell at me"). don't let them convince you that the abuse was their fault...and try to convince them that it never is
- be. patient. it is statistically proven that victims will leave their partner around 7-11 times before leaving for good. don't lose hope in them if they keep going back to their abuser. no, they are not stupid. no, they are not weak. tell them that.
- support them. if they do choose to stay with their abuser, don't abandon them as a friend. there are so many barriers to leaving an abusive relationship that someone who is not in one may never understand. some barriers are: pressure from family/friends, financial support, fear of the violence, lack of support from friends and family, maybe they have children with their abuser, they have nowhere to live if they leave, security, religion (maybe their religion does not condone divorce), denial that there even is abuse, and especially because they love and care for them. There are many, many other barriers, but love is a very big one. they may try to convince themselves that the abuse is not so bad...maybe the abuse didn't start until a year into their relationship..think about how hard it would be to accept that someone you love is abusing you. this is why you must support them, no matter where they find themselves in the relationship
- offer help; if they are looking to get out of the relationship, help them get expert advice. the breaking-up stage of an abusive relationship is usually the most dangerous time, so get expert advice on how to develop a safety plan. research resource centers and hotlines the victim can call for help
- most importantly, don't ignore it. break the silence. if you choose to pretend that you don't see it happening, you are not doing anything to stop it. this doesn't mean a physical intervention by any means, but instead recognize yourself as an advocate for ending abuse. identify yourself as someone who knows abuse is not acceptable, and spread the word. if just one person holds this mentality, it can become contagious. unfortunately, so can indifference. so rather than ignoring the problem, stand up against it.
Do your part and stop the hurt.
This is just an introduction to prevention education, so I will post more. This post focused solely on the outsider's perspective, but my next post will focus on the victim's perspective. I hope you found this useful, and as always feel free to comment or question.
Have a wonderful weekend, and everybody stay safe!! :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Bullying Is Abuse, Too
It's a cold, rainy Rhode Island day, so what else am I supposed to do but stay in bed and blog? :) I hope everyone is well. Today I'm going to talk about bullying and how it is linked to domestic abuse. Bullying is aggression, meanness, coercion, or other actions used to instill power against another person. Hmm, sounds familiar.
We've all seen the movies where bullying is pretty much a big dude who shoves little dudes into a locker, laughs, and walks away. Or there's that disgusting scene when the big dude shoves the little dude into a garbage can, or toilet. Eww. When it comes to girls, our generation's basis pretty much comes from Mean Girls; a hot bitchy girl who manipulates everyone around her to get what she wants. Well, I guess in retrospect these assumptions can be justified. However, it is not always as extreme.
Bullying, just like domestic abuse, is when someone determines a false sense of superiority over another person. Bullying can be physical; pushing, shoving, punching, kicking, slapping, etc. Or it can be emotional; humiliating, insulting, demeaning, belittling, manipulating, etc. One important aspect of bullying is that technology plays a HUGE role. Our parents did not grow up with texting, or even cell phones. Funny enough, spell check doesn't even consider "texting" to be a word yet. We are far ahead of the times.
Technology plays a role in bullying because it allows for anonymity, "courage" (to say something to someone without having to say it to their face- although everyone would consider this cowardice), easy access, and public and practically permanent damage. Have you ever seen the application on Facebook called "Honesty Box"? WORST APPLICATION EVER. Yeah, it's "meant" to allow for people to say nice things about someone that they wouldn't say to their face, but is it used for that? Sometimes, sure. But for all the bullies out there, they are screaming "FINALLY!" Not only can they say whatever the hell they want, but it can be absolutely anonymous. AND they can comment as many times as they want. Brilliant, Facebook. Don't worry, I've already complained to Facebook about this application about 4 times.
But this is really a problem. Technology allows for all the cowardly bullies out there to hurt their victims without even getting out of bed. Trust me, I've had my fair share of bullying through technology so I'd practically consider myself an expert. There are no boundaries when it comes to technology. What's worse is for kids is that they don't understand the consequences. "Sexting" is rapidly becoming a legal and moral issue. For those under the age of 18 who are sexting (for those of you who need a definition- sexting is sending sexually explicit text messages or sexual picture messages via mobile phones), they think it's innocent fun. Or, maybe they were pressured to do so from a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or acquaintance. They all hear, "Don't worry I'm the only person who will see this" and unfortunately all believe it. Sometimes it's true, and a lot of other times it's not. Legally, under the age of 18 it is ILLEGAL to send nude photographs and to retrieve them.
Check out this article about teens aged 15 an 16 who were arrested for sending nude pictures: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-01-14/news/17916463_1_sexting-teens-cell-phone
So legally, under the age of 18, it is wrong. But is it morally wrong? Some people would argue that couples in long distance relationships enjoy sexting, or sex-skyping to stay sexually connected from a distance. But how secure are your pictures or videos? If you haven't already, check out the movie Trust. That will show how extremely wrong situations can go.
Bullying has evolved into this masked villain behind a computer or mobile phone screen. But this occurs in domestic abuse as well. An emotionally possessive boyfriend or girlfriend can use technology to control their partner. They can text or call them non-stop, demand responses "or else", insult their partner without having to say it to their face, or even install tracking devices. This allows for an emotionally abusive partner to control their partner from a distance, so parents and friends may not even see it.
So, my advice? BE CAREFUL. Trust is one of the most complex concepts we as humans attempt to get a grasp on. Trust is different for everyone, and everyone has their own boundaries. However, we need to understand that technology makes things cyber-permanent. Even if a picture goes on Facebook for just one hour but is then deleted, other people can copy it or document it and you would never know. Generally I'd suggest to not sext AT ALL. If you're trying to spice up your sex life with your partner, try something less detrimental. As for bullying goes, if someone is saying cruel things to you via technology, they have issues themselves. Bullies are cowards. Period. They themselves have their own issues that they cannot sort out, so they hide behind false confidence. Bullies feed off of what they consider "weak" people, but in reality the people they bully are someone they either envy or simply find an "easy target". They use their hard exterior to cover up for a very soft and fragile interior; they use bullying as a distraction from their own problems. There are reasons for people to become bullies, just as there are reasons for people to become abusive partners. They are similar in that these people have issues of their own.
If you love yourself, you will never allow someone to belittle you because you know you deserve better. So my advice to everyone is to know that no one can tell you how to feel about yourself. No one can tell you that you are not beautiful in every single way. That YOU decide who you are. And who you choose to be is exactly who you should be. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love others, and respect others. Do your part, and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
We've all seen the movies where bullying is pretty much a big dude who shoves little dudes into a locker, laughs, and walks away. Or there's that disgusting scene when the big dude shoves the little dude into a garbage can, or toilet. Eww. When it comes to girls, our generation's basis pretty much comes from Mean Girls; a hot bitchy girl who manipulates everyone around her to get what she wants. Well, I guess in retrospect these assumptions can be justified. However, it is not always as extreme.
Bullying, just like domestic abuse, is when someone determines a false sense of superiority over another person. Bullying can be physical; pushing, shoving, punching, kicking, slapping, etc. Or it can be emotional; humiliating, insulting, demeaning, belittling, manipulating, etc. One important aspect of bullying is that technology plays a HUGE role. Our parents did not grow up with texting, or even cell phones. Funny enough, spell check doesn't even consider "texting" to be a word yet. We are far ahead of the times.
Technology plays a role in bullying because it allows for anonymity, "courage" (to say something to someone without having to say it to their face- although everyone would consider this cowardice), easy access, and public and practically permanent damage. Have you ever seen the application on Facebook called "Honesty Box"? WORST APPLICATION EVER. Yeah, it's "meant" to allow for people to say nice things about someone that they wouldn't say to their face, but is it used for that? Sometimes, sure. But for all the bullies out there, they are screaming "FINALLY!" Not only can they say whatever the hell they want, but it can be absolutely anonymous. AND they can comment as many times as they want. Brilliant, Facebook. Don't worry, I've already complained to Facebook about this application about 4 times.
But this is really a problem. Technology allows for all the cowardly bullies out there to hurt their victims without even getting out of bed. Trust me, I've had my fair share of bullying through technology so I'd practically consider myself an expert. There are no boundaries when it comes to technology. What's worse is for kids is that they don't understand the consequences. "Sexting" is rapidly becoming a legal and moral issue. For those under the age of 18 who are sexting (for those of you who need a definition- sexting is sending sexually explicit text messages or sexual picture messages via mobile phones), they think it's innocent fun. Or, maybe they were pressured to do so from a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or acquaintance. They all hear, "Don't worry I'm the only person who will see this" and unfortunately all believe it. Sometimes it's true, and a lot of other times it's not. Legally, under the age of 18 it is ILLEGAL to send nude photographs and to retrieve them.
Check out this article about teens aged 15 an 16 who were arrested for sending nude pictures: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-01-14/news/17916463_1_sexting-teens-cell-phone
So legally, under the age of 18, it is wrong. But is it morally wrong? Some people would argue that couples in long distance relationships enjoy sexting, or sex-skyping to stay sexually connected from a distance. But how secure are your pictures or videos? If you haven't already, check out the movie Trust. That will show how extremely wrong situations can go.
Bullying has evolved into this masked villain behind a computer or mobile phone screen. But this occurs in domestic abuse as well. An emotionally possessive boyfriend or girlfriend can use technology to control their partner. They can text or call them non-stop, demand responses "or else", insult their partner without having to say it to their face, or even install tracking devices. This allows for an emotionally abusive partner to control their partner from a distance, so parents and friends may not even see it.
So, my advice? BE CAREFUL. Trust is one of the most complex concepts we as humans attempt to get a grasp on. Trust is different for everyone, and everyone has their own boundaries. However, we need to understand that technology makes things cyber-permanent. Even if a picture goes on Facebook for just one hour but is then deleted, other people can copy it or document it and you would never know. Generally I'd suggest to not sext AT ALL. If you're trying to spice up your sex life with your partner, try something less detrimental. As for bullying goes, if someone is saying cruel things to you via technology, they have issues themselves. Bullies are cowards. Period. They themselves have their own issues that they cannot sort out, so they hide behind false confidence. Bullies feed off of what they consider "weak" people, but in reality the people they bully are someone they either envy or simply find an "easy target". They use their hard exterior to cover up for a very soft and fragile interior; they use bullying as a distraction from their own problems. There are reasons for people to become bullies, just as there are reasons for people to become abusive partners. They are similar in that these people have issues of their own.
If you love yourself, you will never allow someone to belittle you because you know you deserve better. So my advice to everyone is to know that no one can tell you how to feel about yourself. No one can tell you that you are not beautiful in every single way. That YOU decide who you are. And who you choose to be is exactly who you should be. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love others, and respect others. Do your part, and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Monday, October 17, 2011
Yes, Unfortunately this IS Relevant to You
So, I've been trying to think of what important facts about domestic abuse I should write about next. Well, maybe talking about why domestic abuse is so important is an important fact. Why should you even know about domestic abuse? Good question. I would love to think that anyone reading this is just another advocate of peace and nonviolence and is curious on how to raise awareness about this awful issue. However, the reality is there may be friends of victims, family members of victims, or even victims themselves who are reading this.
DID YOU KNOW that 1 out of 4 women, and 1 out of 3 teenagers experience domestic abuse in their lifetime? Think about all of the people in your life. That's a lot. A lot more than it should ever be. Hopefully by raising awareness and installing prevention and education programs will help remove those 1's out of the statistics.
It is also important to note that domestic abuse does NOT discriminate. It can happen to anyone. It happens to every race, ethnicity, age, gender, social class, economic class, etc. So literally anyone. In that you see genders. Meaning it does not ONLY happen to women. Statistically women are victims more often than men, but MEN CAN STILL BE VICTIMS. Stereotyping does not apply when it comes to abuse. It can occur: man-->woman, woman-->man, man-->man, woman-->woman.
Abuse is abuse no matter what form, and it hurts.
Here is an article for your pleasure:
http://calcasa.org/prevention/lausd-votes-to-start-dating-violence-program/
I hope you all have a great day! Don't forget it's still OCTOBER which means it's still Domestic Violence Awareness Month!! Wear purple and spread the word! Do your part and Stop the Hurt :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
DID YOU KNOW that 1 out of 4 women, and 1 out of 3 teenagers experience domestic abuse in their lifetime? Think about all of the people in your life. That's a lot. A lot more than it should ever be. Hopefully by raising awareness and installing prevention and education programs will help remove those 1's out of the statistics.
It is also important to note that domestic abuse does NOT discriminate. It can happen to anyone. It happens to every race, ethnicity, age, gender, social class, economic class, etc. So literally anyone. In that you see genders. Meaning it does not ONLY happen to women. Statistically women are victims more often than men, but MEN CAN STILL BE VICTIMS. Stereotyping does not apply when it comes to abuse. It can occur: man-->woman, woman-->man, man-->man, woman-->woman.
Abuse is abuse no matter what form, and it hurts.
Here is an article for your pleasure:
http://calcasa.org/prevention/lausd-votes-to-start-dating-violence-program/
I hope you all have a great day! Don't forget it's still OCTOBER which means it's still Domestic Violence Awareness Month!! Wear purple and spread the word! Do your part and Stop the Hurt :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Second Post!
Good morning! Did anyone else have the HARDEST time getting out of bed this morning? Wow, I still wish I was sleeping, but I got my lazy butt up and instead of going to class I'm doing homework. So I guess it cancels out. Wishful thinking. But now I'm doing this.. Oh well!
So, I figured today I'd start with the real basics of domestic abuse. The overall definition, even though there are a lot of different ones, is "a pattern of coercive behaviors such as emotional, physical, and/or sexual attacks used against a partner in order to maintain power and control in the relationship". There are at least 3 important things to note in that definition, and they're highlighted in red.
The first is pattern: so, I'm going to steal the example the peer advocates use when we teach our URI101 classes. Let's say I'm going on a date with a guy for the first time and at the end of the night he reaches in for a kiss and I slug him across the face. Is this dating abuse?...no, it's assault. However, if we had been dating for a significant amount of time (more than a few months) and I hit him after every date that we went on, this is a pattern of abuse. Basically, if it only happens one time (this doesn't mean it's okay to do) it's not abuse, but it is assault. Abuse is controlled and thought-out, not impulsive. The abuser knows exactly what they're doing, so it wouldn't be a one-time occurrence.
Secondly we have emotional, physical and/or sexual attacks: the first most important thing to note out of these is that abuse does NOT have to include ALL of these attacks. It could be just one, or two, or all. So it is possible for there to be emotional abuse without physical abuse, or sexual abuse without emotional abuse. However, it is most likely that physical/sexual comes with emotional abuse as well. The emotional abuse is the manipulation aspect; the abuser will use emotional tactics to maintain power and control (we'll get to that later). With sexual abuse is important to note that just because you're dating someone, it does not give them permission to force you to participate in sexual acts. You are not anyone's property, so if you say "no" they have to listen. Period.
Lastly, we have power and control: you will see these words on every pamphlet you get on domestic violence. This is because this is WHY abusers abuse. PLEASE NOTE: it is NEVER something the victim does that causes abuse. If someone you know is or has been abused, they will probably try to come up with a million reasons why it's THEIR fault that their partner abuses them. We will get to reasons another time, but NEVER blame the victim. Like I mentioned earlier, the abuser knows exactly what they are doing. It is so calculated that they probably have a system in their own heads. Part of that system is to make sure that they control how their partner feels, so a lot of the time the abuser blames the victim for their wrongdoings. It is all so they can maintain power and control.
So I know that was a lot of reading to do, but I hope it was helpful/informative! I'll try to leave articles for anyone to read as well as my two cents. If anyone has any questions, feel free to comment and I'll do the best I can to answer. However, if it is an emergency CALL 911! THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE IS 1-800-799-7233 Remember I am still a student in training, so I am here solely for advice and information. If you or someone you know is being abused, call either a hotline or call 911! If you would like to speak to me or another peer advocate on the URI campus, call 401-874-9293 and the hours are 9:00-4:30 Mon-Fri.
I hope everyone is happy, healthy, and safe! Here's an article for anyone interested:
http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/news/x1611324651/Campus-hosts-rally-to-fight-relationship-violence
FYI: It is national Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) Yay! Wear purple to raise awareness and show your support!! :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
So, I figured today I'd start with the real basics of domestic abuse. The overall definition, even though there are a lot of different ones, is "a pattern of coercive behaviors such as emotional, physical, and/or sexual attacks used against a partner in order to maintain power and control in the relationship". There are at least 3 important things to note in that definition, and they're highlighted in red.
The first is pattern: so, I'm going to steal the example the peer advocates use when we teach our URI101 classes. Let's say I'm going on a date with a guy for the first time and at the end of the night he reaches in for a kiss and I slug him across the face. Is this dating abuse?...no, it's assault. However, if we had been dating for a significant amount of time (more than a few months) and I hit him after every date that we went on, this is a pattern of abuse. Basically, if it only happens one time (this doesn't mean it's okay to do) it's not abuse, but it is assault. Abuse is controlled and thought-out, not impulsive. The abuser knows exactly what they're doing, so it wouldn't be a one-time occurrence.
Secondly we have emotional, physical and/or sexual attacks: the first most important thing to note out of these is that abuse does NOT have to include ALL of these attacks. It could be just one, or two, or all. So it is possible for there to be emotional abuse without physical abuse, or sexual abuse without emotional abuse. However, it is most likely that physical/sexual comes with emotional abuse as well. The emotional abuse is the manipulation aspect; the abuser will use emotional tactics to maintain power and control (we'll get to that later). With sexual abuse is important to note that just because you're dating someone, it does not give them permission to force you to participate in sexual acts. You are not anyone's property, so if you say "no" they have to listen. Period.
Lastly, we have power and control: you will see these words on every pamphlet you get on domestic violence. This is because this is WHY abusers abuse. PLEASE NOTE: it is NEVER something the victim does that causes abuse. If someone you know is or has been abused, they will probably try to come up with a million reasons why it's THEIR fault that their partner abuses them. We will get to reasons another time, but NEVER blame the victim. Like I mentioned earlier, the abuser knows exactly what they are doing. It is so calculated that they probably have a system in their own heads. Part of that system is to make sure that they control how their partner feels, so a lot of the time the abuser blames the victim for their wrongdoings. It is all so they can maintain power and control.
So I know that was a lot of reading to do, but I hope it was helpful/informative! I'll try to leave articles for anyone to read as well as my two cents. If anyone has any questions, feel free to comment and I'll do the best I can to answer. However, if it is an emergency CALL 911! THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE IS 1-800-799-7233 Remember I am still a student in training, so I am here solely for advice and information. If you or someone you know is being abused, call either a hotline or call 911! If you would like to speak to me or another peer advocate on the URI campus, call 401-874-9293 and the hours are 9:00-4:30 Mon-Fri.
I hope everyone is happy, healthy, and safe! Here's an article for anyone interested:
http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/news/x1611324651/Campus-hosts-rally-to-fight-relationship-violence
FYI: It is national Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) Yay! Wear purple to raise awareness and show your support!! :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
First Post
Welcome to my page! This is the first post on a blog that I have ever written, so please be patient if I don't really know how to begin. I guess I'll start by explaining who I am and why I even have a blog.
My name is Cara and I'm 19 years old. I grew up in Connecticut, but I am attending the University of Rhode Island and currently live here. I absolutely love this school, but definitely not the tuition costs. Well that's another story we won't get to. But anyway, I'm majoring in Public Health Studies and minoring in Nonviolence and Peace Studies. I am extremely passionate about domestic abuse awareness, education, and prevention. Domestic abuse has been considered a public health issue now for a while, so that is why I'm majoring in that. My minor is pretty self-explanitory but it's very cool.
I am involved on campus as a peer advocate at the Women's Center. As a peer advocate I provide my peers with...advocacy. I'll try not to be too redundant but that one's a little hard to side-step. But what it basically means is I am trained mainly in sexual assault and domestic violence, so if someone on campus is having trouble with one of those issues I can provide advocacy. This is my first semester being a peer advocate and I LOVE it! It's a lot of work, but it's only as much as you put in to it.
My main goal career-wise is to work for an organization that educates society about domestic abuse, but eventually I want to develop my own organization that focuses solely on prevention starting at a young age. My theory is that victims typically have either low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth. This may stem from childhood or any other parts of their life, or simply just their personality. If everyone learns to love and respect themselves and gain a healthier self-image, then they will be less tolerant of abuse.
Well, this is a very long first post, so I think I'll end here! I apologize if the subject is depressing, but I promise this blog is meant to create hope, self-sufficiency, and most importantly inspiration.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
My name is Cara and I'm 19 years old. I grew up in Connecticut, but I am attending the University of Rhode Island and currently live here. I absolutely love this school, but definitely not the tuition costs. Well that's another story we won't get to. But anyway, I'm majoring in Public Health Studies and minoring in Nonviolence and Peace Studies. I am extremely passionate about domestic abuse awareness, education, and prevention. Domestic abuse has been considered a public health issue now for a while, so that is why I'm majoring in that. My minor is pretty self-explanitory but it's very cool.
I am involved on campus as a peer advocate at the Women's Center. As a peer advocate I provide my peers with...advocacy. I'll try not to be too redundant but that one's a little hard to side-step. But what it basically means is I am trained mainly in sexual assault and domestic violence, so if someone on campus is having trouble with one of those issues I can provide advocacy. This is my first semester being a peer advocate and I LOVE it! It's a lot of work, but it's only as much as you put in to it.
My main goal career-wise is to work for an organization that educates society about domestic abuse, but eventually I want to develop my own organization that focuses solely on prevention starting at a young age. My theory is that victims typically have either low self-esteem or a low sense of self-worth. This may stem from childhood or any other parts of their life, or simply just their personality. If everyone learns to love and respect themselves and gain a healthier self-image, then they will be less tolerant of abuse.
Well, this is a very long first post, so I think I'll end here! I apologize if the subject is depressing, but I promise this blog is meant to create hope, self-sufficiency, and most importantly inspiration.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
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