Every victim of abuse has a unique experience regardless of how similar it may be to others. Therefore, every single victim has their own reasons why they don't, or can't, leave their abusive relationships. There are so many different angles to look at when trying to understand why someone would not leave their abusive relationship including their age, living situation, economic stance, family support, if they have children, danger of being abused worse or killed (very real fear!), low self esteem, they love their abuser, their abuser has threatened them, self blame of the abuse, and more. I'm going to give you a few scenarios since I received positive feedback on past ones.
*All names and stories are completely fictional and are not based on real people, but can be based on real life situations.
Scenario 1: Amy and Jake have been dating for 6 months. They are both in high school, but Jake is a senior and Amy is a sophomore. Jake makes Amy feel very special, but he is extremely possessive and jealous. He constantly controls her schedule and who she talks to and what she dresses. He's begun to shove her and has even slapped her a few times. But he is the soccer captain and a very good student. His parents are very popular in their town, and everyone loves their family, including Amy's parents who have become close friends with them. Jake has a very good reputation in their town, and everyone tells Amy how lucky she is to be dating him. Jake has a full-ride scholarship to a really great school. When Amy tries to tell her friends how controlling Jake is and that he hits her sometimes, they tell her she'd be crazy to leave him and they didn't believe someone so seemingly perfect could be abusive. Jake tells her he only does what he does because he loves her so much. Amy feels trapped. She knows this relationship isn't healthy, but if she leaves him...
- her friends will stop talking to her because they will think she is crazy
- her family will not understand because Jake seems so wonderful to them
- she's worried about the way it will make Jake look to the town
- if she calls the police about the abuse, he could lose his scholarship
- it will cause tension and problems with the relationship between her parents and Jake's parents
- Jake's parents will look bad in the town because of it
- Jake will tell all of his friends how crazy she is and that no one should date her
- she is scared that if she tries to break up with him, he will beat her worse
- no one will believe her, and she will be further isolated
Scenario 2: Harry and Liz have been married for 3 years and have a child together who is an infant. Harry works full time while Liz is a stay-at-home mom for their baby. Harry owns their property solely, and they have a joint bank account. Harry is extremely violent and physically abuses Liz often. Liz has tried getting a part-time job, but Harry doesn't let her. The beatings have gotten worse, and Liz has gone to a shelter a couple times already with her child. In fear of being killed, she has tried to make a safety plan to escape safely with her baby. However, Liz has no money since Harry controls their bank account and owns their property. Liz also knows if she tried to divorce him, he would get custody of their baby since she does not have a job and has nowhere else to live. Harry has threatened to hurt the baby if she tried to leave him. What would you do? If she tries to leave...
- her baby's life is put in danger
- her own life is put in danger
- she will have nowhere to live
- she will have no money
- Harry will harass her and not leave her alone
- she may lose custody of her child
- divorce is against her religion, and her family may not support it
Scenario 3: Matt and Dan have been dating for 2 years, but Matt has not come out openly to his family yet. Only Matt's friends know he is gay, and he is not ready to tell his parents or brother yet. Dan is very emotionally abusive and constantly insults Matt and puts him down. Dan does not let Matt go out with friends or spend time with his family unless he gives him permission to do so. Dan has access to Matt's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and phone at all times. He knows all of his passwords and constantly checks his accounts. Dan has never hit Matt, but he has thrown glasses and plates at a wall near him and has threatened to vandalize his car. Dan has a bad temper and Matt is scared he may hit him soon. Matt wants to leave him, but he knows if he does...
- Dan has threatened to tell his parents he's gay- Dan will post embarrassing and cruel things on his accounts
- Dan will isolate him from his friends even more
- Matt has a very low self esteem from Dan, and feels dependent on him
- Dan has threatened to send his boss inappropriate items he has access to from his accounts
- Matt will be shunned from his community for being gay and unaccepted by his family
- Matt fears for his safety, and is concerned about damage Dan may do to his property
Now all of these scenarios are very different from each other, and you have to keep in mind that there are so many other factors coming into play that we cannot see from an outside perspective. These victims are in romantic relationships and a lot of the times feel very close with their abuser, and often love them. Love is complicated enough, and when you throw it into an abusive relationship it gets very messy. The two most important things to take from this post is:
1: Be patient and understanding with your friends and loved ones who are in their abusive relationships!
2: They can get help getting out!
It is so important to be patient with a friend or loved one who is being abused and doesn't want to, or can't safely, leave their abusive relationship. They need all of the support they can get, and when they are ready and it is safe to do so, they can leave. It is our role as friends and family members to be there for them and not judge or give up on their decisions. Ultimately, they know what is best for them. It is not our job to rescue them, but we can offer resources and information on how to safely escape. Contact a local shelter for more information on how they can develop a safety plan. Or if they simply need a counselor to speak to about their experience, that may be all they need. There is always help. No one deserves to be abused, and everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. Do your part and stop the hurt.
