Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil

Hi Everyone!

It's crunch time here at URI since finals are next week already (semesters fly by so fast). I hope everyone is trying to be stress-free and powering through! Today I'm going to talk about children who witness domestic abuse in their homes. This subject has a lot of research behind it, but it is important to note that the research is objective, and that each individual handles things uniquely. The title of this post is "Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil" because it represents the children who are silenced, confused, or neglected when witnessing abuse.

So we've talked about abusive relationships in most of its forms, but we haven't mentioned who else it affects. We've briefly touched on friends and family and how you can help if you see someone in an abusive relationship, but what if there are children in the house?

Children who witness domestic violence are just as affected as the victim in most cases. 

It highly depends on the age of the child, and each child handles the situation differently. There are certain distinct differences we can determine based on the age of the child, however. For example, a child in the preschool age may experience distress and irritability. They may feel very close to one parent and feel anxious or fearful when away from that parent. Typically the child will be confused and not vocal about what's going on, but will show it in their playtime or other discrete ways. For a child in their pre-teen years, their experiences become much more detrimental due to their active behaviors in response to what they see going on. Kids in their pre-teens and during adolescence may involve themselves in risky or dangerous behaviors such as drug/alcohol use, risky sexual behaviors, skipping school, becoming more violent or aggressive in their demeanor, or threatening suicide or running away. This child may also do the opposite and become very reserved and avoid social interactions by isolating themselves (much like the victim). They might feel shame that they cannot help their abused parent, or they might blame the abused parent for breaking up the family or causing them problems. The child may become depressed and fearful. It should not surprise you that a lot of the times when there are children involved, the children are abused too. This is not always the case, but unfortunately it does happen.

As I've mentioned, each experience is unique to the child, but regardless of the individual the experience is always negative. There are psychological effects, and sometimes physical effects. These are very similar to the effects victims experience as well; shame, embarrassment, guilt, depression, anxiety, blame. These psychological effects affect their behaviors as well. They may remove themselves from group activities or social conventions, and maybe stop going to school altogether. They may become more aggressive or violent with their peers and act out if they are angry. They may engage in dangerous behaviors to cope with their pain and confusion, and become more distrusting of adult or authority figures. Sometimes if the child witnesses the abuse and the police intervene but the abuse still continues, the child may feel as though they are unprotected and helpless. Other times if the child sympathizes with their abused parent, they will feel shameful that they cannot help them. Unfortunately, sometimes the child will blame the victimized parent and be angrier towards them for not fixing their problems. In some cases, the child becomes so used to the violence that it becomes natural to them. They might accept violence as a way of expressing love, and think that it's okay to express oneself violently. This could be due to the fact that the abuser tells them this, or either parents don't discuss it with the child at all.

There are also possible physical effects due to witnessing abuse. The child may develop eating disorders, sleep disorders, anxiety or depression, or other physical disturbances. These physical effects may not be life-threatening, but they are stressors that indicate deeper psychological pain. You can imagine the distress and confusion the child feels being stuck in such a life-altering situation.

What To Do?

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship with children in the home, don't ignore it. You know how it affects the victim, and now you know how it affects the children. Make sure if you are in the position to talk to the victim, talk to them about the effects the abuse may have on their kids. This is obviously a sensitive subject, so be careful with your choice of words. Do not blame the victim or accuse them of neglecting their child. Simply suggest that they talk to their kids about how they feel. Have them sit down with their children and listen to their thoughts and feelings about what's going on. The victim may flat out deny the abuse, or feel their role as a parent is threatened and refuse to talk about it. If this occurs, you must respect their decision and back off for the time being. If they do agree to talk to their child, suggest the following: talk to their kids openly, listen to their kids' feelings, offer counseling or someone they trust they could talk to, reassure them that it's not their fault, acknowledge that violence is not okay, be patient, understanding, and caring with their kids. It is especially important to explain that violence is not okay because the child may begin to accept violence as a means of love. They may not understand that love does not include violence, so it is important to explain to them that it is not an acceptable way of expressing oneself. Make sure the child does not feel threatened, blamed, unloved, or rejected. The child may not always be willing to talk about their feelings immediately, but be respectfully and calmly persistent by bringing it up other times. Do not pretend as though the child is acting normally and that they are alright. More often than not they are very negatively affected.

This is a shocking video on facts about children who are in violent homes: 10 Shocking Domestic Violence Facts About Children

Even if they try just once to talk about the abuse with their child, it opens up conversation and allows for the child to feel safe, welcome, and acknowledged. Any effort counts. Do your part and stop the hurt.

For more information, go to your state's coalition site, or the national site: http://www.ncadv.org/ under "Learn" and "The Problem". Or visit this helpful site for more Info!

If you don't already, please 'like' my facebook page Stop The Hurt and follow @Stop_TheHurt on twitter!! Thank you so much for your ongoing support!

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Hi All! Today I watched the ABC Family movie Cyberbully. I liked it overall even though it went a little extreme at points, but in all sincerity it was scary how accurate some parts were. High school is a scary place to be, and the internet brings all the torture home. Kids can be cruel. Unfortunately, we're all guilty of lashing out and saying something we didn't mean, especially when we're young and just don't understand the consequences. However, I can confidently say I had only made this mistake a couple times and quickly apologized even though I know the damage had been done. Unfortunately for my bullies, I never got an apology for my torment. I don't think people quite understand how damaging words can be.


"slut"  "bitch"  "ugly"  "nerd"  "whore"  "disgusting"
 "retard"  "gross"   "loser"   "fag"   "dumb"  


What hurts me right now is knowing for a fact that most of you reading this have heard one or more of those words, or worse. I know I have. Words hurt. Just because they're said online and not to someone's face doesn't mean they aren't painful. What's worse is it becomes permanent. I know when I received these messages anonymously through the Honesty Box app (Facebook has now removed this application; YAY!), I revisited them constantly. Not because I enjoyed feeling ridiculed, but because they were stuck there as a reminder of what these people thought of me no matter how untrue the comments were. And every other day or so I'd get a nice comment that would make it a little better. But studies have shown that people experience a 5 times greater rate of response to negative comments than positive comments. So no matter how positive a comment could be, a negative comment could ruin your whole week. So why do people do this? Why is it so easy for someone to say such horrible things to another person?

Bullying has rapidly become an issue in our society that can no longer be ignored. Kids are committing suicide due to their harassment because they see no other way out of it. There is a huge sense of loneliness when insults are so permanent and public online. There is an even larger sense of entrapment. The statistics are overwhelming. 1 in 10 students drop out of school because of bullying. There are reported 2.7 million kids bullied a year. 17% of students who miss school say it is because of a fear of being bullied. It is shown that boys tend to be more physically aggressive and expressive, and that girls tend to be more emotionally aggressive. This is not true across the board, but it is shown most in studies. With this information we can try to intervene safely and prevent bullying and meanness.

Perhaps we can implement anger management sessions in schools for people who struggle as bullies. We can stress that when someone is bothering you to inform an adult rather than keep it to yourself or spread rumors. We can stress that it is better to face a problem than ignore it, but that this should be done in a respectful manner; if you have a problem with someone that you want to resolve, there are healthy ways to go about doing this. We can help teach kids how to safely use the internet, how to keep your information private, and what to do if someone is harassing you online. We can reiterate RESPECT. We can always use the, "if you don't have something nice to say about someone, don't say anything at all" policy!

Now I know I've talked about bullying and its link to domestic abuse on here before, but this post is really just a reminder to be nice. Be nice to anyone and everyone. There is no reason not to. Smile. Say hi. Open the door for someone. Be wary of how you speak to people both in person and online. Be careful not to lash out or feel the need to get revenge on someone who has been mean to you. Revenge is best served cold. Getting even only makes you as bad as the person who hurt you. Be a better person, and stand up against what's wrong without stooping to their level. Make them aware that they are being hurtful, insensitive, and if they don't listen then it's their problem. Strive to be a better person every day, whatever that means for you. If you see that someone is being bullied, either get an adult involved or stand up against it if it's safe for you to do so. You could save someone's life.

I've left you with some links for information and a video that URI students made to stand up against bullying. It's all wonderful, so I hope you view it and enjoy it! Don't forget to participate in my poll (scroll up and it's on the right!) and thank you so much for your ongoing support. Do your part and stop the hurt.

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-statistics-2010.html
http://bullying.org/
http://www.stopbullying.gov/

URI Stands Up Against Bullying, Will You?

Sexual Assault Awareness

Now I know my blog says it's all about domestic abuse, but that does not mean I don't advocate for sexual assault awareness and prevention as well! I care just as much about sexual assault as domestic abuse because it hurts. And here we all want to STOP THE HURT. As hopefully all of you know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! I know here at URI we're doing our best to raise awareness, and we are hosting booths every Wednesday. If you're a student or faculty member, please come take the pledge to NOT condone, commit, or stay silent about sexual assault. Wear a teal ribbon to support the fight against sexual assault!

DID YOU KNOW: 1 in 6 women is sexually assaulted or has been a victim of attempted rape in her lifetime, and 1 in 6 men is sexually assaulted in his lifetime and 1 in 33 men are victims of attempted rape
DID YOU KNOW: 87% of the victims KNOW the perpetrator
DID YOU KNOW: every 2 minutes in the U.S., someone is sexually assaulted


Sexual assault and sexual violence has a lot going on, so I want to break it down for you. The laws in Rhode Island define it in 3 degrees:

1st degree sexual assault: penetration of any part of the victim’s body by any part of the offender’s body, or by an object.
- this means that it must be a sexual part of the body (not poking a finger in someone's ear, however strange and uncomfortable that may be)

2nd degree sexual assault: sexual contact without penetration for sexual gratification.
- this means the person contacting the victim must be getting some sexual gratification from the touching occurring (the area on the victim does not necessarily have to be a sexual place; it could be their thigh for example)

3rd degree sexual assault: a person who is +18 engages in sexual penetration with a person between 14 & 16. (Consent of the younger person is not a defense.)
- the legal age of consent differs between states, but in Rhode Island it is 16

Sexual assault is not just a legal issue, however. There are many psychological and physical effects that occur. Victims of sexual assault can experience effects very similar to victims of abuse, such as:
- shame/guilt      - self-blame     - anger/irritability    - fear/anxiety    -physical/emotional changes

These are just some of the many psychological and physical effects that may come from sexual assault. It's also important to remember though that no matter how similar an event of sexual assault may be, every individual copes with it differently. Maybe one person who was sexually assaulted suddenly becomes very introverted and stops hanging out with their friends or going out to parties. Maybe they shut themselves off emotionally and become very reserved. However, someone else could do the opposite and become very promiscuous or party excessively. Neither of these coping mechanisms are healthy, and if you see a drastic change in a friend then ask them what's wrong. Even if they weren't sexually assaulted, something is probably going on in their life and they will be happy you asked.

One of the other effects that I want to emphasize is self-blame. Self-blame is common in victims of abuse or assault, and often paired with that shame or guilt. It is NEVER the victim's fault if they are assaulted in any way. Psychologically we try to come up with excuses so that we feel safer thinking it could never happen to us. For example, we try to blame it on how the victim was dressing, or how the victim was "asking for it". Pardon my french but that's absolute bullsh*t. No one would ever ASK to be a victim of assault. Ever. No matter how "slutty" they are dressing, no one wishes to be manipulated or attacked. So no, it is NEVER the victim's fault. If a victim tries to convince you otherwise, please tell them that there is nothing they could have done differently because it was the perpetrator's own horrible choices and foul behaviors, not theirs.

Chances are, if someone is sexually assaulted, they will not likely come forward and tell everyone they know. Statistically only about 20% of sexual assaults are actually reported to the police. That's just the police reports! It's hard enough to tell your friends or family, but imagine having to tell the police? Telling someone you were sexually assaulted is one of the hardest things to do, so if someone tells you: BELIEVE THEM. SUPPORT THEM. And most importantly, tell them how happy you are that they felt comfortable enough to confide in you!

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call 1-800-656-HOPE or visit http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ for information. You can get help! Together we must vow to not be silent about this extremely relevant and preventable problem! We must work together to stop this hurt from affecting so many innocent people! If you have done anything to raise awareness or education about sexual assault, feel free to comment in the comment box and share your experience! Thank you!