Just Because

Hey Everyone. Today I'm feeling very blog-esque and writer-esque, so this post has no true purpose other than my personal feelings! I know this is different than the other posts I've done, but it will of course be relevant to domestic abuse.

My first class back from Thanksgiving break (I hope you all had a great one!) is my Marriage and Families class. We talked about IPV (Intimate Partner Violence, aka Domestic Violence/Domestic Abuse) briefly and rather than defining it we just watched a short video about three girls who were in abusive relationships and then discussed barriers to leaving. The entire time I was shaking. I don't know why it overwhelms me sometimes when I'm so used to reading about it and talking about it and researching it practically every day. But sometimes it just gets to me.

I sat silent in class (for anyone who knows me, this NEVER happens) and fiddled with my pen. I knew every answer to every question and had more to contribute than was even running through my own head, but sat there silently instead. I became anxious and wanted to leave the room.


Then it dawned on me.

I picked up my head and listened to all of my classmates sharing their personal experiences of family members who had been in abusive relationships. They all shared their stories about their cousins, aunts, friends, mothers. I almost teared up. Statistics are just numbers, but stories are real; they give faces and feelings and meaning. I often wonder when I'm sitting in a lecture, or walking around campus, how many past victims I just walked by. Or how many people who know victims just walked by. Or how many people in this entire campus are affected directly or indirectly by domestic abuse. This feeling gives me the same feeling as wondering when the sky ends: helplessness. How can I help all of these people? How can we ever make this go away? Can we ever end domestic abuse and STOP all of these people from hurting?

I have to regain my mental composure and breathe. There are awful things, and awful people, in this world that may never completely go away. Racism still exists. Murder still exists. Hate still exists. We cannot create a perfect world, but we can work to make it a better place. Maybe we won't end abuse forever. If I did, I think some kind of world-class medal would be in order. Maybe the hate will never stop, but one of my favorite MLK Jr. quotes is:

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

So sometimes it's okay to feel angry and helpless and pissed off at all the horrible things in this world. But we cannot work to end hate by feeling hatred. We have to channel our anger into faith. Into compassion. Into courage.

If we all focus on the good in life, we can work to eliminate some of the bad. I know I will get frustrated sometimes and feel overwhelmed with emotion; not only is this expected with this line of work, but it's human. But I also know that I can channel that frustration into helping others live in a better place. We can work together to bring out the light in the darkness, and most importantly love to drive out the hate. I am not a religious person by any means, but this prayer seems to sum it up:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."
So, maybe for me I don't need a god to show me that, but it's all the same in the end. We have to accept that abuse may never end completely, but we must gain the strength and courage to never give up trying.

I hope this post inspires you, or affects you in any way. I know there are no facts or articles, but sometime's a girl's just gotta vent. Regardless, I have a few informative and powerful posts in store for you. I hope you enjoyed this one for the time being! And again, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend! And thank you all for reading my posts; I couldn't be more grateful.

I know Mondays are tough, but take today on! Grab it by the horns and power through. Just a couple more weeks until finals and break for me. Have a good week! And never forget: do your part and stop the hurt.

We Are So Desensitized

Hi Everyone! Today's post is entitled "We Are So Desensitized" which leads to question: to what? If you guessed domestic abuse, you'd be correct! Considering this is a blog about domestic abuse, that was kind of easy. What I'm going to talk about in this post are some movies and videos in television and the media in general that glorify abuse, belittle abuse, or truly raise awareness about this awful subject.

When talking about how the media may belittle abuse, there are many ways in which they can do this. First  off, the media will cover abuse when it happens to a well-known celebrity like Rihanna. But our society somehow finds ways to excuse Chris Brown merely because he's a talented artist. Or Kobe Bryant. Or Jerry Sandusky. All of these celebrities did horrible things to innocent people, yet they are excused and forgiven by society due to their statuses. If Joe Paterno is being "let go" from Penn State due to his ignorance of the heinous acts his colleague Jerry Sandusky committed, then shouldn't Kobe Bryant be "let go" as well? Does the face of NBA really care that much more about its reputation and successes rather than a permanently tortured life because of this man?

In television we see abuse probably more than we do in real life. Well, hopefully. There are many movies and television series that show domestic abuse in all its forms, and yet we become so desensitized to these acts that they seem normal to us. Here is a list of some movies that have domestic violence in them: The Burning Bed (1984), Boys on The Side (1995), Enough (2002), Sleeping With the Enemy (1991), This Boy's Life (1993), What's Love Got To Do With It? (1993), Bully (2001), Boys Don't Cry (1999).

The movie I want to talk about in this post is The Burning Bed. Farrah Faucet plays a young woman who is abused her by husband and trapped in their marriage even after many attempts to get away. It is based in the early 60's. Francine, Farrah Faucet's character, falls quick for the charming Mickey who convinces her to marry him too soon for her liking; he convinced her by taking her virginity. This was just the start of his control over Francine's life. The cycle of violence appears in the movie in many instances: he buys her a nice scarf, gets jealous for no reason, hits her in front of his friends, then apologizes and it starts all over again. Since this movie was based in the 60's, the mentality was much different than it is now pertaining to domestic violence. There were multiple instances where the police witnessed Mickey attacking Francine, but did nothing. When Francine went for help numerous times, they simply turned their cheek trying to hand her over to other authorities who also did nothing. This left Francine feeling absolutely terrified for her life since Mickey was threatening to kill her, and absolutely hopeless since there seemed to be no way out: so she killed him. This movie is an excellent example of abuse, but the one thing it does not show is a successful, safe way out. There are ways to get help!

In the movies and news we view all the time, it seems as though the only way out of these horrible situations is someone dying. Look at the recent case in New York: NY Times- Barbara Sheehan
This woman was abused for years and hopelessly, in self defense, found her escape. The prosecutors' only defense was that her abuser was killed and she survived, so he was the "only victim" (coughbullshitcough); but what about all of the victims who's abusers are still very much alive? How do they find a way out without murdering their partners? There are ways! There are hundreds of resources in every state, and there are many laws protecting victims of abuse (and this is thankfully increasing). What we need more of are the bloggers and journalists truly seeking to raise awareness about this issue- they do exist! It is time we stop being silent and hidden about this issue; let our voices be heard. We will not tolerate this abuse in our society! We need to see more publicity regarding awareness, not just glorifying abuse or belittling it. We need to see more articles from people who understand domestic violence, not just reporters who solely want a story to write about. We need to see more literature from people who care about stopping this abuse.

If our media starts raising more awareness in realistic and relative terms, we can use our knowledge to fight this abuse. The stories that truly should shine are the survivor's stories! It doesn't always end in death. Find out your local resources and utilize them. If you or someone you know is being abused, don't let them lose hope; they can safely leave their relationship. For tips, visit www.loveisnotabuse.com or www.loveisrespect.org, or www.safehorizon.org, or any other site you can stumble upon! Abusive relationships do not always have to end with someone dying, whether that be the victim or the abuser. Develop a safety plan. If you know someone in an abusive relationship, don't wait until it's too late and their name is the next headline in the newspaper. Do your part and stop the hurt.

If I don't post again until next week, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! See my post from last week about how to give thanks in your community! Thank you!

What Would You Do?

Hey Everyone!! It's almost the weekend and almost Thanksgiving break! I know I'm excited..mainly for the food. Sorry URI, but I need some home cooking. This will be a rather short post, but interesting nonetheless! I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this post! Feel free to comment!

I found a very moving clip from a show on ABC called "What Would You Do?" of an episode based on domestic violence. What the show does is it sets up a scene with actors and sees how people in the public react to it. The public does not know they are actors until they are told so after their intervention with the event. In this case, the actors were an abusive boyfriend with his girlfriend in a restaurant. The girlfriend already had very visible markings on her face that were unmistakably abuse from her boyfriend. She enters the restaurant alone, crying. Then her boyfriend follows and immediately verbally abuses her. See how the public (who think this is real) intervene:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIEFiHgPPgE



I think this episode is extremely uplifting. It is truly inspiring to see that men and women feel the need to step in and stop this violence. They put their own safety in danger (which is not always the best- you want to be safe, too!) in order to protect those women, and they did that because they knew it was right. They couldn't fathom the idea of those women going back to their abuse any longer, so they took their civil liberty to intervene. In other videos from the show, the public explain that they feel as though they have an obligation to uphold our society. Check out other episodes on youtube concerning cyberbullying, sexual harrassment, and more. Sometimes the public just stare in disgust, but don't physically intervene. All in all, everyone knows what's unacceptable but they may not always stand up and say it. But shouldn't we? If we just sit and feel disgusted but don't actually do anything, we are adding to their hurt. Silence is the killer. Sometimes domestic violence or bullying ends tragically in homicide and/or suicide. Maybe if just one person intervenes before they commit those acts, their lives will not end. We need to break the silence. We all have the ability to stand up against what is wrong.

What would you do?

I know that domestic violence seems never ending and is of course extremely depressing. It seems as though 1 in 4 is way too large a number of people to be hurt by this horrific issue. In truth, it is hard for me to read article after article about women and children and men being torn apart by domestic violence. However, what keeps me going is knowing that there is a rapidly growing number of citizens doing their part to stand up against this abuse. This clip just proves it! We have this innate protective nurturing trait within us that needs to help others in distress. That comforts me. So when asked why I would not want to pursue some kind of "practical" career such as marketing, accounting, law, teaching, or whatever else society deems financially stable, I simply reply that I could not see myself doing anything else. No amount of money or stability could veer me towards any other career other than preventing this hurt. It may account to sleepless nights, frustrations and tears, and maybe I won't get to vacation in the Bahamas with my paycheck, but I will live better knowing I have helped another life. What will you do?

Do your part and stop the hurt.

What Are YOU Thankful For?

Hey Everybody! Thanksgiving is coming around the corner already, can you believe it? Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks, so what are YOU thankful for?

Today I just want to talk about what we may take for granted, and what we need to remember to appreciate. For those of you who are not in an abusive household or relationship, think about those who are. Be thankful that you have parents who treat you well and love you unconditionally. Be thankful you do not have a partner that is controlling and insults you. Be thankful that you have people that look out for you and care about your well-being. Be thankful for not being scared to go home. Be thankful for not having to hide bruises and scars from your friends. Be thankful that you have the power to help people who do need to hide, who are scared to go home, who don't have loving parents or loving partners. Be thankful that you have the power to change people's lives.

This Thanksgiving, think about those who may not have much to be thankful for. Give them something to be thankful for by helping them out. Find a local shelter nearby and make a donation; whether this be canned food, warm clothing, toys, or money. It can be as small as a can of corn, or as large as you would like. Please consider it. Find a local food drive or clothing drive for battered women and children. Some of them don't even have a pair of gloves to keep them warm in the winter. Think of those less fortunate than you and be thankful that you can help.

For residents of RI, go to www.ricadv.org and you will see the seven shelters listed on the left. If one of those is close to you, find time to stop by and donate, or donate online. If you are not a resident of RI, find your state's coalition website and their shelter's information should be provided online as well. For those of you who attend URI with me, you can donate canned goods to the Women's Center on Upper College Rd. Any donation makes a difference!


Have a wonderful holiday everyone! Share great food, great memories, and great thanks.

Thanksgiving is a beautiful time for families and loved ones to come together. Give thanks. I know what I'm thankful for: people like you who want to help others. Do your part and stop the hurt.

'Tone' Down the Violence with Music!

Hi All! I hope you had a great Veteran's Day. To make up for my lack of posts this week, I'm going to post a bunch of links to music videos! I know that domestic abuse is a very difficult topic to discuss and read about so much...trust me, I know! But to mix up the readings a bit, I thought I would post some videos for your pleasure. Some of them will be very sad, and others may be inspiring. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4nKOzk8qbw&ob=av3e
New song by Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussy Cat Dolls entitled "Don't Hold Your Breath" about how she's confidently leaving an abusive relationship;
'You can't touch me now, There's no fear in me left
If you think I'm comin back, Don't hold your breath
What you did to me, boy I can't forget
So if you think I'm comin back, Don't hold your breath'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U&ob=av3e
Rihanna and Eminem's famous duo "Love The Way You Lie" about an abusive boyfriend.
'I snap, 'who's that dude?' I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her, I never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eocCPDxKq1o&ob=av3e
Pink's "Please Don't Leave Me" is a song about an abusive girlfriend.
'How did I become so obnoxious? What is it about you that makes me act like this?
..You're my perfect little punching bag, I need you, I'm sorry...
I could cut you into pieces...'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI&ob=av3e
Martina McBride's "Concrete Angel" is about a young girl who is abused by her mother and eventually killed by her.
'She walks to school with the lunch she packed
Nobody knows what she's holding back
Wearin the same dress she wore yesterday
She hides the bruises with linen and lace'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ux6SlOE9Qk&ob=av2e
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' "Face Down" about a girl who is abused by her boyfriend.
'Cover up with makeup in the mirror
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you
Dou feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I
The famous "I Will Survive" !!! This song is inspirational to show that survivors are incredible people and have survived abuse in whatever form they received.
'It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent oh so many nights feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high'

I hope you all enjoyed these videos. I know that most of them were very depressing, but I hope you found them inspiring and educational. Abuse happens everywhere to anyone. We need to do our part to stop it!

Have a wonderful weekend! Never forget: do your part and stop the hurt. :)

Family Violence

Hello Everyone! I apologize for not posting for a while, but the life of a college student is always busy! I'm making time now in between classes to post about family violence. I have been posting about relationship violence because that is what I personally research the most and know the most about. However, it is important to recognize that domestic violence occurs in families, too.

Domestic violence in families occurs in a matter of ways:
- parent to child
- parent to grandparent
- child to grandparent

For this post I am going to talk about the inhumane crime of child abuse. Discretion advised: this post is a very difficult topic to discuss, so if you need to talk to someone please note the phone number at the bottom of the post.

Child abuse can be physical, emotional, neglectful, or sexual abuse. About 90% of the time, child abuse is done by someone the child knows; this could be a family member, other relatives, friends of parents, a teacher or other adult the child has come in contact with. According to a 2009 study done by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, nearly 90% of the recorded perpetrators were parents of the victims.

In child sexual abuse, there is something that's called "grooming" that occurs. Grooming is when the abuser "readies" their victim; they test boundaries with touching, buy the child gifts, create a bond with the child, and basically manipulate the child into trusting this adult. Once the adult has groomed the child "enough", they break that trust by hurting them. The child is vulnerable, and the adult enforces their power by threatening the child not to tell anyone. They use their power as an adult to control the child; they manipulate the child more by buying them gifts or doing nice things for them to "make up" for the abuse. This becomes a cycle, almost like in dating abuse, and the child has no other choice but to believe their abuser. It is completely unfair to take control of a child's mind like that, and the abuser knows that their authority overrules the child's fear and confusion.

This same authority exists in all kinds of abuse including emotional and physical. Parents or other adult figures in a child's life make the child believe that they know what's best, and that the child must listen and respect adults. In theory it is true we must respect our elders, but our elders can be wrong sometimes. In this case, they are absolutely 200% wrong. Child abuse is never okay. Just like in dating abuse, abusers of children use tactics to maintain power. They demean and punish the child, and in a lot of cases neglect the child. This could be by physical spanking, slapping, or other means of hitting. Or this could be by withholding food, or not letting them shower. The child feels absolutely helpless because all they have been taught is to listen to their elders, so they feel they must obey. They become numb to the abuse and eventually the abuse is all they know.

Child abuse happens so often, and 9/10 times the child does not report it. There are many horrible 'side effects' to the abuse as well; kids who are abused are 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy, for example. They are also more likely to become drug users and become more susceptible to STD's and other diseases because of the lack of practice of safe sex. Children often develop PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or depression, and sometimes even sleep or eating disorders as they get older. They are more likely to develop psychological disorders, and sadly enough they are more likely to become abusers themselves when they are older. There are so many awful repercussions.

It is important to note that these repercussions may not happen at all to a child who was abused. Just because it is more likely does not mean it absolutely happens to every child. So, don't assume that if a child is abused that they will definitely become an abuser as an adult.

I know this was a very difficult post to read because it was a very difficult post to write. If you need help, please call: 1-800-4-A-CHILD which is the national hotline for child abuse.

For more information, visit: http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics#abuse-conseq or http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/NCANationalStatistics. These websites are where I got my statistics from for this blog.
Here is a youtube video about a young girl who died from her abusive father entitled 'Alissa Lies': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlE2J9Yj7U4&feature=fvst

Child abuse is 100% preventable, and we need to step up and do our part to stop it. If you know of someone who is abusing a child, please do something. That child is helpless and alone; lead them out of the darkness and help them regain hope. Do your part and stop the hurt.

Men's Difficulties as Victims

Hi everyone! I hope you all had a very safe and fun Halloween!

Today I will be talking about men as victims. I've mentioned before that domestic abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone, unfortunately. Typically the victims are women, so please keep that in mind. However, men can be victims as well. The Love Is Not Abuse twitter account actually posted an interesting read today on how women can be violent. Here is their tweet:

Love_IsNotAbuse: "Remember that men & women can be victims of #DV. @CDCGov reports at times women R mre likely 2b violent than men http://bcene.ws/t5HHna "

The crime of domestic violence where men are the victims is severely unreported. This is due to many factors, same as for women who don't report, but either way there is not much literature on male victims. It does occur less often than females, but there are emotional issues with identifying oneself as a victim. There are so many negative stereotypes for men that they feel like they must live up to that may cause them not to acknowledge abuse or report it. Some stereotypes are that men are not supposed to cry, men are stronger than women (biologically this can be the case, but it makes men feel like they cannot ever be vulnerable), men are the dominant figure in relationships/marriages, men are tough, men are not supposed to show emotions, and more. Men are unlikely to report domestic violence because they feel as though they are not being masculine. They feel as though by admitting they were abused, that they are weak. It may even hurt their ego to admit they were abused and they refuse to accept it. All of these unjust and untrue stereotypes cause men to feel they have certain standards they must uphold due to their gender. These stereotypes make it very difficult for men to admit that they are victims because that would mean they are "weak" or "emotional" or "inferior" when their stereotypes tell them differently. A man may feel embarrassed that a woman could take advantage of them, or even ashamed that they were not "man enough".

Women can be violent physically, but their abuse can translate emotionally as well. Since women can be physically/biologically weaker than their male partners, they may use emotional tactics to exert authority in the relationship. Women can use their emotional power to control their partner. Also, if a woman is in a powerful position of employment, she may use this against her partner as well. For example, say the male victim is unemployed and the female offender is a police officer; she could use this power in her relationship in many ways. She could threaten her partner with her gun or threaten her partner not to report the crime because of her position. Other ways women can emotionally abuse their male partner are by withholding/asserting sex, financially, insults/lies/manipulation, threats, guilt, etc. By withholding sex, the woman is showing how she controls their sex life. She could use sex as leverage (this can happen the other way around, too) or as a weapon. On the other hand, she could force her male partner to have sex (this is rape, sexual assault- yes, women can rape men). Males may have trouble accepting that they are sexually assaulted, especially if it is their romantic partner. This is due to stereotypes as well; men are expected to always want sex. However, men should know that they can get help if they are sexually assaulted. Did you know that 1 in 6 men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime? Men can be victims and they should be treated no differently than any other victim. They deserve support and help, too. Threats are other ways women can control their partner; the woman could say "I will hurt myself if you leave me" or even worse like threats of suicide. I have personally seen this happen with a couple in high school and the male was completely scared and confused. He felt trapped, and that is how the partner maintains their control in the relationship.

Here is another website that may help: http://menshealth.about.com/od/relationships/a/Battered_Men.htm

As you can see, I am speaking mainly about heterosexual relationships, but males can be victims in homosexual relationships as well. Actually, there are hardly any differences between heterosexual or homosexual relationships and statistically domestic violence occurs at the same rate. So, 1 in 4 homosexual partners are victims of domestic violence as well. I apologize if I talk mainly about heterosexual relationships, but I will try to add information about homosexual relationships as well. If you would like more information on homosexual relationships and domestic violence, go to http://www.rainbowdomesticviolence.itgo.com/ and they can provide more resources. If you do go to this website, you will see the same information about domestic violence as in heterosexual domestic violence. Domestic violence is domestic violence, whoever the victim.

If a male friend of yours comes to you and says they have been abused, it was probably one of the hardest things they have had to do in their life. This is why it is extremely important to support them. Tell them that it is okay to talk about it if they want to, and that they can get help. Just as for any victim, it is never their fault. No one deserves to be abused in any way.

In all the signs I discuss, remember that they can pertain to almost any abusive relationship. So don't rule out physical abuse for women offenders, for example. Also, don't rule out threats for male offenders. Any of these signs can be seen in an abusive relationship. Remember, too, that healthy couples do fight. No relationship is perfect, but there is a clear line between healthy productive arguments and abuse. If you're unsure, go to any abuse organization's website and look for obvious signs. Or ask me! I would love to answer any of your questions. It is always better to ask than sit idly by. It is always better to take action against abuse. Do your part and stop the hurt.

Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler