It's Time To Talk #3

Hey Everyone!


HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday! I sincerely apologize for not posting in so long, but I had finals and then had to readjust to being back at home! Now that I'm all settled in, and have a few moments to breathe I am dedicating my time back to the blog and continuing ITTTD! For those of you just jumping in, ITTTD (It's Time To Talk Day) is an annual event hosted by Love Is Not Abuse dedicated to talking about domestic abuse and raising awareness on this muffled issue. The third person I interviewed at It's Time To Talk Day was Melissa Kaufman, the Volunteer and Training Coordinator for the National Dating Abuse Helpline and loveisrespect.org.

Going along with the theme of the day, talking about abuse, I asked Melissa why it's important to talk about this issue. Her answer was simple and summed it all up: "Because it hurts." She went on to explain that people never really talk about abuse until it's physical abuse, and so much more happens in abusive relationships before they ever become physical or if they ever become physical. I couldn't agree more. Melissa stressed the importance of boundaries and knowing what a healthy relationship looks like. So, I asked her. What does a healthy relationship look like?

A healthy relationship is one with open communication, where neither partner is afraid to talk to the other about something they are feeling. One where it's okay to be a little jealous or insecure, but to never take it out on their partner. One where the partners talk about their feelings and come to a mutual agreement on how they each should be treated. One where they can trust and respect each other. One with equality.

An unhealthy relationship is one where there is clearly inequality; one partner has control, or feels superior to their partner. Unhealthy jealousy and possession that the abusive partner takes out on their other partner. And this doesn't have to be physical; they can emotionally hurt their partner by threatening to leave them if they continue talking to someone, yell or embarrass them in front of others, control who and when they talk to people, etc. Melissa explicates that "if you're in an abusive relationship, it totally destroys you. You lose self esteem and lose your sense of self. Nobody should ever have to go through that and be hurt by the one they love," For more information on healthy and unhealthy relationships, go to love is respect.

Love is Respect was developed by the National Dating Abuse Helpline and Break the Cycle collaboratively, and originally was helped funded by Liz Claiborne's Love Is Not Abuse 5 years ago. Their main goals are to develop healthy dating attitudes for young adolescents, provide a safe place for these teens to go to in order to talk about what's going on, and educate everyone about domestic abuse and its effects, and how to maintain healthy relationships. Anyone can contact them, too! And there are so many different ways to reach them: through phone call, through chat, and through text. Personally I think this is an amazing step because they have truly made it fully accessible for young teens. As a teen myself, I know I'd much rather text or chat my feelings than talk it out on the phone. With this newly installed application, Love is Respect has opened up and made a huge impact. Melissa informed me that they receive about 3000 contacts a month. Wow! So who's contacting them?

I asked Melissa if she ever gets calls from abusers themselves. She said absolutely and explains, "They know they're abusive, and maybe they've been in trouble with the law or they just get this feeling like 'Maybe I'm not treating my girlfriend or boyfriend right and I wanna know what I should be doing differently,' So we talk about what healthy relationships look like and how you should be treating your partner," Melissa believes that abusive behavior has been normalized from the media through reality television and other things, but also from ignoring it and not talking about it. If these dysfunctional relationships on television are all teens see growing up and are never told that it's not healthy, teens assume this is what love is and this is what relationships are like. This is why it is so important to talk about abuse and educate our peers and children. So I know that education is extremely important when talking about prevention, and I asked Melissa what kinds of educational tools she uses on the helpline. She told me that of course they direct the person to their website for more information, and also just talk to them about what types of boundaries should exist and emphasize what healthy looks like. When it comes to abusers, Melissa suggests that "if people that have the tendency to be abusive have any inkling of what kind of pain they could inflict on a person, they may choose not to do it," She goes on further to say that the more education people get, the less likely it will happen to them or someone they know and the more likely it is for them to seek help if it does happen.

Personally I was pleasantly surprised to hear that people who are abusive actually call in looking for ways to change and better their relationships. That's astounding! And again, the fact that Love is Respect has the chat or text options really allows for anyone to contact them openly and freely. This idea sprung up another question in me about digital abuse. Melissa replied that digital abuse is enormous and gave me a scenario: "A young teenager in high school is in a relationship. Their parents are asleep, and they have no idea their child is getting 100 texts an hour." She describes how digital abuse seems benign because it's hiding behind a wall, but she points out that it's not physical, and it may not be happening to your face, but it's still going to hurt.

I asked her what kind of advice she would give to parents about understanding digital abuse and when and how to intervene. Melissa rationalized that monitoring is okay to an extent; you do not want to push your kids away by over-monitoring and you also do not want to seem ignorant. By this, it means don't take your child's phone away if they're receiving a lot of text messages. Rather, ask them why they're receiving so many texts, and start a conversation right there about abuse. By taking away their phone, or over-monitoring, you will only push them further towards their abuser. Melissa suggests open communication and education. She believes that if teenagers are given the right information, then they are going to make the right choices. The Love is Respect website has a section specifically for friends and family, and they can call or chat for information and help as well as victims. Another important piece of advice Melissa gives is to be supportive. When you really care about a friend or family member, don't turn away. Educate yourself and educate them. You can really make a difference, just by talking.

Well again, I apologize for taking so long to finish my third ITTTD post, but I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed my interview! I want to thank Melissa Kaufman so much for taking the time to talk about this issue so personally important to me, and so profoundly important to everyone else. If you have any questions, or want to see more information about Love is Respect, go to their website: http://www.loveisrespect.org/ and strike up a chat!

STAY TUNED for my ITTTD #4!

I have misplaced my folder where all of my information is, and I believe I could have left it in Rhode Island when I left to go home unfortunately. If I find it, I will post right away! Thank you for all of your ongoing support and don't forget to do your part and stop the hurt!