It's a cold, rainy Rhode Island day, so what else am I supposed to do but stay in bed and blog? :) I hope everyone is well. Today I'm going to talk about bullying and how it is linked to domestic abuse. Bullying is aggression, meanness, coercion, or other actions used to instill power against another person. Hmm, sounds familiar.
We've all seen the movies where bullying is pretty much a big dude who shoves little dudes into a locker, laughs, and walks away. Or there's that disgusting scene when the big dude shoves the little dude into a garbage can, or toilet. Eww. When it comes to girls, our generation's basis pretty much comes from Mean Girls; a hot bitchy girl who manipulates everyone around her to get what she wants. Well, I guess in retrospect these assumptions can be justified. However, it is not always as extreme.
Bullying, just like domestic abuse, is when someone determines a false sense of superiority over another person. Bullying can be physical; pushing, shoving, punching, kicking, slapping, etc. Or it can be emotional; humiliating, insulting, demeaning, belittling, manipulating, etc. One important aspect of bullying is that technology plays a HUGE role. Our parents did not grow up with texting, or even cell phones. Funny enough, spell check doesn't even consider "texting" to be a word yet. We are far ahead of the times.
Technology plays a role in bullying because it allows for anonymity, "courage" (to say something to someone without having to say it to their face- although everyone would consider this cowardice), easy access, and public and practically permanent damage. Have you ever seen the application on Facebook called "Honesty Box"? WORST APPLICATION EVER. Yeah, it's "meant" to allow for people to say nice things about someone that they wouldn't say to their face, but is it used for that? Sometimes, sure. But for all the bullies out there, they are screaming "FINALLY!" Not only can they say whatever the hell they want, but it can be absolutely anonymous. AND they can comment as many times as they want. Brilliant, Facebook. Don't worry, I've already complained to Facebook about this application about 4 times.
But this is really a problem. Technology allows for all the cowardly bullies out there to hurt their victims without even getting out of bed. Trust me, I've had my fair share of bullying through technology so I'd practically consider myself an expert. There are no boundaries when it comes to technology. What's worse is for kids is that they don't understand the consequences. "Sexting" is rapidly becoming a legal and moral issue. For those under the age of 18 who are sexting (for those of you who need a definition- sexting is sending sexually explicit text messages or sexual picture messages via mobile phones), they think it's innocent fun. Or, maybe they were pressured to do so from a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or acquaintance. They all hear, "Don't worry I'm the only person who will see this" and unfortunately all believe it. Sometimes it's true, and a lot of other times it's not. Legally, under the age of 18 it is ILLEGAL to send nude photographs and to retrieve them.
Check out this article about teens aged 15 an 16 who were arrested for sending nude pictures: http://articles.nydailynews.com/2009-01-14/news/17916463_1_sexting-teens-cell-phone
So legally, under the age of 18, it is wrong. But is it morally wrong? Some people would argue that couples in long distance relationships enjoy sexting, or sex-skyping to stay sexually connected from a distance. But how secure are your pictures or videos? If you haven't already, check out the movie Trust. That will show how extremely wrong situations can go.
Bullying has evolved into this masked villain behind a computer or mobile phone screen. But this occurs in domestic abuse as well. An emotionally possessive boyfriend or girlfriend can use technology to control their partner. They can text or call them non-stop, demand responses "or else", insult their partner without having to say it to their face, or even install tracking devices. This allows for an emotionally abusive partner to control their partner from a distance, so parents and friends may not even see it.
So, my advice? BE CAREFUL. Trust is one of the most complex concepts we as humans attempt to get a grasp on. Trust is different for everyone, and everyone has their own boundaries. However, we need to understand that technology makes things cyber-permanent. Even if a picture goes on Facebook for just one hour but is then deleted, other people can copy it or document it and you would never know. Generally I'd suggest to not sext AT ALL. If you're trying to spice up your sex life with your partner, try something less detrimental. As for bullying goes, if someone is saying cruel things to you via technology, they have issues themselves. Bullies are cowards. Period. They themselves have their own issues that they cannot sort out, so they hide behind false confidence. Bullies feed off of what they consider "weak" people, but in reality the people they bully are someone they either envy or simply find an "easy target". They use their hard exterior to cover up for a very soft and fragile interior; they use bullying as a distraction from their own problems. There are reasons for people to become bullies, just as there are reasons for people to become abusive partners. They are similar in that these people have issues of their own.
If you love yourself, you will never allow someone to belittle you because you know you deserve better. So my advice to everyone is to know that no one can tell you how to feel about yourself. No one can tell you that you are not beautiful in every single way. That YOU decide who you are. And who you choose to be is exactly who you should be. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Love others, and respect others. Do your part, and stop the hurt.
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler
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