Second Post!

Good morning! Did anyone else have the HARDEST time getting out of bed this morning? Wow, I still wish I was sleeping, but I got my lazy butt up and instead of going to class I'm doing homework. So I guess it cancels out. Wishful thinking. But now I'm doing this.. Oh well!

So, I figured today I'd start with the real basics of domestic abuse. The overall definition, even though there are a lot of different ones, is "a pattern of coercive behaviors such as emotional, physical, and/or sexual attacks used against a partner in order to maintain power and control in the relationship". There are at least 3 important things to note in that definition, and they're highlighted in red.

The first is pattern: so, I'm going to steal the example the peer advocates use when we teach our URI101 classes. Let's say I'm going on a date with a guy for the first time and at the end of the night he reaches in for a kiss and I slug him across the face. Is this dating abuse?...no, it's assault. However, if we had been dating for a significant amount of time (more than a few months) and I hit him after every date that we went on, this is a pattern of abuse. Basically, if it only happens one time (this doesn't mean it's okay to do) it's not abuse, but it is assault. Abuse is controlled and thought-out, not impulsive. The abuser knows exactly what they're doing, so it wouldn't be a one-time occurrence.

Secondly we have emotional, physical and/or sexual attacks: the first most important thing to note out of these is that abuse does NOT have to include ALL of these attacks. It could be just one, or two, or all. So it is possible for there to be emotional abuse without physical abuse, or sexual abuse without emotional abuse. However, it is most likely that physical/sexual comes with emotional abuse as well. The emotional abuse is the manipulation aspect; the abuser will use emotional tactics to maintain power and control (we'll get to that later). With sexual abuse is important to note that just because you're dating someone, it does not give them permission to force you to participate in sexual acts. You are not anyone's property, so if you say "no" they have to listen. Period.

Lastly, we have power and control: you will see these words on every pamphlet you get on domestic violence. This is because this is WHY abusers abuse. PLEASE NOTE: it is NEVER something the victim does that causes abuse. If someone you know is or has been abused, they will probably try to come up with a million reasons why it's THEIR fault that their partner abuses them. We will get to reasons another time, but NEVER blame the victim. Like I mentioned earlier, the abuser knows exactly what they are doing. It is so calculated that they probably have a system in their own heads. Part of that system is to make sure that they control how their partner feels, so a lot of the time the abuser blames the victim for their wrongdoings. It is all so they can maintain power and control.

So I know that was a lot of reading to do, but I hope it was helpful/informative! I'll try to leave articles for anyone to read as well as my two cents. If anyone has any questions, feel free to comment and I'll do the best I can to answer. However, if it is an emergency CALL 911! THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE IS 1-800-799-7233 Remember I am still a student in training, so I am here solely for advice and information. If you or someone you know is being abused, call either a hotline or call 911! If you would like to speak to me or another peer advocate on the URI campus, call 401-874-9293 and the hours are 9:00-4:30 Mon-Fri.

I hope everyone is happy, healthy, and safe! Here's an article for anyone interested:
http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/news/x1611324651/Campus-hosts-rally-to-fight-relationship-violence

FYI: It is national Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) Yay! Wear purple to raise awareness and show your support!! :)
Copyright © 2011 Cara Mackler