Teen Dating Abuse Awareness

Hey everyone! I have been way too lazy about posting, and I am kicking myself for not updating this in so long. There has been quite a lot going on in my life, so blogging has not been top priority. However, I CANNOT have a blog about domestic abuse and not post during Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month! 

First off, let's start with the basics again. Briefly, don't worry; just a recap.

Dating abuse = any pattern of coercive behaviors such as physical, emotional/psychological, and/or sexual attacks used against a dating partner to maintain power and control in the relationship

Most importantly I want to stress again that victims can be ANYONE. This means the victim can be female, male, Caucasian, African American, Asian, wealthy, poor, Christian, Jewish, etc. The list goes on. There is no one type of victim. This is probably the scariest fact.

Here are more scary facts about dating abuse among teens:

- 1 in 3 teens experience SOME kind of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) in their relationships

- 1 in 5 teens experience verbal/emotional abuse by a dating partner

- the group most affected/involved in dating abuse are women ages 16-24

- 1 in 5 teens report they have been sexually abused by a dating partner

- Only 33% of victims ever even told anyone about the abuse

- 2 in 5 tweens report knowing a friend who has been harassed verbally by their partner via technology

- 1 in 4 teen girls report being physically or sexually abused by a partner

These facts come from Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial (rooted in Rhode Island), as well as Love Is Not Abuse and Love Is Respect. I want to give a shout-out to these amazing organizations because they are all doing a phenomenal job working towards educating teens about abuse, and helping to prevent it!

Clearly, this issue is relevant to all of us. Too often this problem is ignored, or undermined with completely false and unnecessary excuses. Why do we do this? Why do we choose to turn our heads and pretend, or even hope, that it doesn't happen when it so clearly does? Why do we tell ourselves, "it will never happen to someone I know" or "that doesn't happen in my town"? I'm sorry to burst your hopeful bubble, but unfortunately this issue is very real and absolutely happening right in your town. It's time to talk about it. It's time to face it. It's time to end it.

Teens are 3 times more likely to experience abuse than adults. In teenhood, love is just beginning and the ideals of what love is are also forming. Teens are looking for someone to confide in, to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with, and to feel safe with. Each person is unique, but in the end we all want someone to love. This is where the problem exists the most: love. Our definitions of love are skewed in an abusive relationship. Love is not abuse. But abusers tell us otherwise. If a teen is experiencing their first relationship, who is to tell them differently? US! This is where we need to step in and make our voices heard. They need to know: YES you DO deserve to be treated better, and NO abuse is NOT love!

Abuse in teen relationships exists in many forms: physical, emotional/psychological, verbal, digital, etc. If you've read some of my past posts, you'll know the basics of each type of abuse. However, I'll delve a little deeper now by giving you examples.

*all names and scenarios are completely made up, and none of these stories are real, however they are based off of real facts and statistics

Scenario #1: Ally is starting to skip classes, which she never used to do. Her grades are dropping, her clothes are changing, and she seems much more quiet and timid around her new boyfriend. When asked about the new clothes, she said her boyfriend thought her clothes were too slutty and she wasn’t allowed to wear them in public anymore. You recently saw some bruises on her arms, but when you tried asking her about it, she didn't want to talk about it...

              Let's begin by breaking down what kinds of abuse we're seeing in Ally's relationship. Skipping class and dropping grades...are these important? YES! These are signs that something is wrong. Now, if the story stopped there then one shouldn't assume she's in an abusive relationship. However, these are absolutely signs that something is wrong in her life. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they hide or cover up qualities about themselves in order to please or satisfy their partner's demands or threats. For example, say Ally is normally a chatty girl, but when she's with her partner, she is quiet and timid. She restrains herself and doesn't feel comfortable or safe to express herself around him. This is a sign of possible abuse. So we have possible emotional abuse, and definite physical abuse since there are bruises on her arms.

Scenario #2: Justin is constantly checking his phone because his girlfriend is demanding to know who he’s with and where he is all the time. He recently told you she checks all of his texts and call records, and demands for his password to everything. If he’s hanging out with a girl, his girlfriend gets extremely jealous and angry and tells him he can never hang out with another girl or she’ll leave him. He’s admitted that he’s scared to break up with her because she’s threatened to hurt herself if he ever did.

                  Can a woman abuse a man? Absolutely, and this is a clear example of how women can emotionally abuse their partners. Justin's girlfriend is overly jealous and possessive by not "allowing" him to hang out with other girls. She is also posing threats, which is a sign of emotional abuse. She's threatening to leave the relationship if he doesn't do as she asks, but she is also threatening to hurt herself if he leaves the relationship. This leaves Justin feeling trapped. So we have emotional abuse here, but we also have digital abuse. Justin's girlfriend is monitoring Justin's activity and conversations without his consent. Also, demanding to know his passwords is a complete violation of Justin's independence and security. Not only does it damage trust issues, but it creates more power and control for his girlfriend.

Scenario #3: Nina just started dating her boyfriend, and is very religious. She wants to wait until marriage to have sex, but her boyfriend does not. She tells you he convinced her to have sex because he told her if she really loved him then she would do it regardless of her faith. Nina didn't want to, but she didn't want him to think she didn't love him. She tried to explain her faith and reasons to him, but he simply felt betrayed and made Nina feel guilty for being so "selfish". So, she had sex with him..

                      In this scenario, we see mainly sexual abuse but the emotional abuse exists as well. He may not be raping or coercing her, but he is manipulating and pressuring her. Instead, he should be respecting her faith and respecting her as a person. A lot of teens in an abusive relationship will hear, "If you really loved me you would..." and they feel obligated or pressured to do whatever their partner wants. This is not okay; both partners should feel comfortable in their own relationships, and EVERYONE deserves the right to say 'no' when they want to. Just because Nina is in a committed relationship does not mean she HAS to give up her virginity in order to keep her boyfriend around. Even in your own relationships and marriages, you ALWAYS reserve the right to say 'no'.

Now that we've dissected an abusive and unhealthy relationship, let's talk about the positives about a healthy relationship! We don't just want to stop abuse; we want to prevent it! Let's promote healthy relationships, and help guide teens to safer and healthier relationships. What does healthy love look like?

TRUST        RESPECT       HONESTY     OPEN COMMUNICATION     FEELING SAFE

       ACCEPTING ONE ANOTHER             SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER

RESPECTING BOUNDARIES                 NORMAL JEALOUSY (NOT TAKING IT OUT ON PARTNER)                SUPPORTING PARTNER'S INDEPENDENCE      COMMITMENT

Those are just a few and if you have others you would like to share, or have examples from your own lives, please share in the comments box!

Even though Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month is coming to an end, we can still continue to raise awareness and education throughout the year. This issue is not going away anytime soon unless we fight against it. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't wait to call for help. If you would like to speak with me personally, or any other peer advocate on the URI campus, call: 401-874-9293. If it is an emergency, call the national hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

I hope everyone has a great Leap Year! Enjoy your invisible day and stay safe!

Do your part and stop the hurt.