NO MORE!

Last week concluded NO MORE Week, honoring the launch of last year's first NO MORE Day. I recently started an internship at the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence and absolutely love it. One of our ongoing projects is bystander intervention through the NO MORE PSA: click here for more details. In honor of NO MORE Week and this project, I wanted to dedicate an entire post to why I, and thousands of others, say no more.

So, what's the point of this campaign? It's time we talk about why domestic violence and sexual assault still exist so commonly in all of our lives to people we know and love. It's time we face this problem with both eyes open. It's time we make this problem everyone's problem. Domestic violence and sexual assault aren't some mythical demons; they are real issues that hurt, and sometimes kill, people we love.

NO MORE silence.
NO MORE that doesn't happen here.
NO MORE she's too smart to let that happen to her.
NO MORE she was drunk so it was her fault.
NO MORE why doesn't she just leave?

NO MORE he said he was sorry.

NO MORE she was asking for it.

NO MORE it's just a woman's problem.

NO MORE we'll talk about it later.

NO MORE it doesn't affect me.

NO MORE it was her fault.

NO MORE it's none of my business.

NO MORE she was flirting with him.

NO MORE he didn't mean it.

NO MORE boys will be boys.

NO MORE she should have been more careful.

NO MORE but she doesn't have any bruises.

NO MORE why didn't she report it?

NO MORE she should have fought him off.

NO MORE she was wearing a short skirt.

NO MORE he's going to change.

NO MORE it doesn't happen to boys or men.

NO MORE it was just the alcohol/drugs.

NO MORE she should have known better.

NO MORE there's nothing I can do about it.

NO MORE someone else will help.

NO MORE denial.

NO MORE ignoring it.

NO MORE excuses.

For the purposes of consistency, these statements are referring to mostly women as the victims. Please note, however, that I am not ignoring the fact that both men and women are victims of both domestic violence and sexual assault. Male victims and survivors deserve acknowledgement just as much! Like I said, this is EVERYONE'S issue.

Why do YOU say no more?

Do your part and stop the hurt.

Healthy Healthy Healthy!

I think it's just as important, if not more, to talk about what a HEALTHY relationship looks like instead of only talking about what an UNHEALTHY relationship looks like. So today, I'm going to compare the two. I'll give you somewhat of an idea of characteristics of both unhealthy and healthy relationships, and then I will give you questions (and answers to them) about each.

So first, I will go over the basis of any relationship. A relationship starts with initial attraction to either the personality, physical appearance, or both. Two people who are interested in each other agree to date. We know that abusive relationships don't start out abusive; there is what's called the "honeymoon phase". This phase exists in most relationships, healthy and unhealthy. 

I watched an interesting video from loveisrespect.org that showed there are actually 3 types of relationships: healthy, unhealthy, and abusive. I agree with this idea because many times relationships may not be abusive but they are not healthy either. A good example of this is a relationship where one partner is a drug user and possibly is involved in dangerous situations or brings harm to themselves with no intention to bring harm to their partner. This may not be a healthy situation for the partner who does not do drugs, but it doesn't make the relationship abusive because there is no intent for abuse. Abusive relationships are about power and control; they are calculated, manipulated, and committed by choice by the abuser. 

So, what does a healthy relationship look like? A healthy relationship is built off of mutual trust, respect, and equality. The key word is mutual! Both partners have the right to feel safe to express themselves and be who they are (as long as this does not include putting down their partner or disrespecting them). In a healthy relationship, both partners can pursue their dreams and support each other even if they disagree. 

Is it okay to argue in a relationship?

Answer: yes. Arguments are natural and often inevitable; however, it is HOW you argue and how you resolve your arguments that distinguish healthy and abusive arguments. It is okay to disagree with your partner and you should always feel the right to respectfully disagree.

Is it okay to call each other names and insult each other?

Answer: no. This is not a healthy way to resolve arguments. There is no benefit to putting down your partner, and you should never feel like you are less than. You are equals and should be treated as such.

Another aspect of healthy relationships is boundaries. Every relationship has its own boundaries and are different for many individuals. However, each individual should be free to expect to be able to set their own boundaries for themselves. For example, if one partner enjoys 2 nights a week with their friends without their partner, they should be free to do so without facing consequences from their partner. Another example of this is the right to their sexual choices in their relationships. So, a partner reserves the right to say "no" at any time, even if they had performed the sexual act previously. Each partner should never feel obligated to perform a sexual act, and should respect each other's decisions. 

How many texts/calls in a row is too many?

Answer: this depends on the person but you should communicate to your partner what feels overbearing to you. Overbearing can turn controlling and possessive very quickly. It also depends on the context of these texts/calls; if the texts or calls are just casual and sweet messages updating you on their day or letting you know they are thinking of you, this can be okay (again, it is whatever you feel is right for you). However, if the partner is demanding to know where you are and who you're with and what you're wearing, this is controlling and abusive.

These are just a few examples of healthy and abusive traits in relationships. Here is the link to the video I was speaking of: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4H30jEHLfLQ

Please join the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence today at 4pm on Twitter for a tweet chat on healthy relationships and dating violence. Use the hashtag #KnowWhatLoveIs and tag @NOMORERI with your questions or comments! You can also tag @Stop_TheHurt if you want to include this blog or a post from here! 

Do your part and stop the hurt. 

Data Jam on Sexual Assault

Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month has flown by! I am really excited to share that I was invited to join an incredible data jam on protecting students from sexual assault at the White House on April 11th. I was able to join other professionals from around the country to discuss the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses and together finding solutions. Our goals were to combine our knowledge of sexual assault and our technological resources to develop tools to ultimately reduce and eliminate sexual assault on college campuses.

First let me just say how honored I was to be invited to such an event. I was surrounded by a variety of talented professionals, including survivors and other students who all shared an eagerness and passion to make a contribution to ending sexual violence. It was really empowering to be a part of such an important movement that our country is finally putting in the spotlight.

1 in 5 women is sexually assaulted during her time in college.

This number, in my opinion, is actually lower than the real facts. I am about to graduate college and I have seen enough around me in my four years as an advocate and as a student to know the harsh realities of sexual assault. We are taught to stay silent. We are taught that it is the victim's fault. We are taught that it was our clothes that justified an assault. We are taught that there is no one who will really help us.

At the data jam, we discussed the issues that colleges are facing now to address sexual violence appropriately. Title IX came up in conversation when a survivor spoke about her experience with her Title IX coordinator and showed us the extremely complicated map of the process she had to go through to file a complaint and receive the assistance she needed. It is absurd to see what students have to go through after already being victimized by their assailant and to then be victimized by their own institutions.

But that was just ONE of the many issues discussed concerning sexual assault on college campuses. From my perspective as someone involved in prevention work, legislation is one wonderful step towards ending sexual violence, but changing our culture is the biggest and hardest step. Ultimately, we need to change the rape culture that allows such crimes to persist and encourages all to stay silent.

The White House Task Force To Protect Students From Sexual Assault (quite a mouthful, huh?) was formed in January of this year to address these issues that students face at their institutions regarding the justice and efforts they deserve. The task force then created a website called Not Alone where students and schools can find all sorts of resources on the subject.

The teams we developed at the data jam are working on some really amazing ideas and projects, so stay tuned for updates in the next few months!

For more information, check out Stop the Hurt's Facebook page with videos and articles!

Do your part and stop the hurt.