Just Because

Hey Everyone. Today I'm feeling very blog-esque and writer-esque, so this post has no true purpose other than my personal feelings! I know this is different than the other posts I've done, but it will of course be relevant to domestic abuse.

My first class back from Thanksgiving break (I hope you all had a great one!) is my Marriage and Families class. We talked about IPV (Intimate Partner Violence, aka Domestic Violence/Domestic Abuse) briefly and rather than defining it we just watched a short video about three girls who were in abusive relationships and then discussed barriers to leaving. The entire time I was shaking. I don't know why it overwhelms me sometimes when I'm so used to reading about it and talking about it and researching it practically every day. But sometimes it just gets to me.

I sat silent in class (for anyone who knows me, this NEVER happens) and fiddled with my pen. I knew every answer to every question and had more to contribute than was even running through my own head, but sat there silently instead. I became anxious and wanted to leave the room.


Then it dawned on me.

I picked up my head and listened to all of my classmates sharing their personal experiences of family members who had been in abusive relationships. They all shared their stories about their cousins, aunts, friends, mothers. I almost teared up. Statistics are just numbers, but stories are real; they give faces and feelings and meaning. I often wonder when I'm sitting in a lecture, or walking around campus, how many past victims I just walked by. Or how many people who know victims just walked by. Or how many people in this entire campus are affected directly or indirectly by domestic abuse. This feeling gives me the same feeling as wondering when the sky ends: helplessness. How can I help all of these people? How can we ever make this go away? Can we ever end domestic abuse and STOP all of these people from hurting?

I have to regain my mental composure and breathe. There are awful things, and awful people, in this world that may never completely go away. Racism still exists. Murder still exists. Hate still exists. We cannot create a perfect world, but we can work to make it a better place. Maybe we won't end abuse forever. If I did, I think some kind of world-class medal would be in order. Maybe the hate will never stop, but one of my favorite MLK Jr. quotes is:

 "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

So sometimes it's okay to feel angry and helpless and pissed off at all the horrible things in this world. But we cannot work to end hate by feeling hatred. We have to channel our anger into faith. Into compassion. Into courage.

If we all focus on the good in life, we can work to eliminate some of the bad. I know I will get frustrated sometimes and feel overwhelmed with emotion; not only is this expected with this line of work, but it's human. But I also know that I can channel that frustration into helping others live in a better place. We can work together to bring out the light in the darkness, and most importantly love to drive out the hate. I am not a religious person by any means, but this prayer seems to sum it up:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference."
So, maybe for me I don't need a god to show me that, but it's all the same in the end. We have to accept that abuse may never end completely, but we must gain the strength and courage to never give up trying.

I hope this post inspires you, or affects you in any way. I know there are no facts or articles, but sometime's a girl's just gotta vent. Regardless, I have a few informative and powerful posts in store for you. I hope you enjoyed this one for the time being! And again, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend! And thank you all for reading my posts; I couldn't be more grateful.

I know Mondays are tough, but take today on! Grab it by the horns and power through. Just a couple more weeks until finals and break for me. Have a good week! And never forget: do your part and stop the hurt.

We Are So Desensitized

Hi Everyone! Today's post is entitled "We Are So Desensitized" which leads to question: to what? If you guessed domestic abuse, you'd be correct! Considering this is a blog about domestic abuse, that was kind of easy. What I'm going to talk about in this post are some movies and videos in television and the media in general that glorify abuse, belittle abuse, or truly raise awareness about this awful subject.

When talking about how the media may belittle abuse, there are many ways in which they can do this. First  off, the media will cover abuse when it happens to a well-known celebrity like Rihanna. But our society somehow finds ways to excuse Chris Brown merely because he's a talented artist. Or Kobe Bryant. Or Jerry Sandusky. All of these celebrities did horrible things to innocent people, yet they are excused and forgiven by society due to their statuses. If Joe Paterno is being "let go" from Penn State due to his ignorance of the heinous acts his colleague Jerry Sandusky committed, then shouldn't Kobe Bryant be "let go" as well? Does the face of NBA really care that much more about its reputation and successes rather than a permanently tortured life because of this man?

In television we see abuse probably more than we do in real life. Well, hopefully. There are many movies and television series that show domestic abuse in all its forms, and yet we become so desensitized to these acts that they seem normal to us. Here is a list of some movies that have domestic violence in them: The Burning Bed (1984), Boys on The Side (1995), Enough (2002), Sleeping With the Enemy (1991), This Boy's Life (1993), What's Love Got To Do With It? (1993), Bully (2001), Boys Don't Cry (1999).

The movie I want to talk about in this post is The Burning Bed. Farrah Faucet plays a young woman who is abused her by husband and trapped in their marriage even after many attempts to get away. It is based in the early 60's. Francine, Farrah Faucet's character, falls quick for the charming Mickey who convinces her to marry him too soon for her liking; he convinced her by taking her virginity. This was just the start of his control over Francine's life. The cycle of violence appears in the movie in many instances: he buys her a nice scarf, gets jealous for no reason, hits her in front of his friends, then apologizes and it starts all over again. Since this movie was based in the 60's, the mentality was much different than it is now pertaining to domestic violence. There were multiple instances where the police witnessed Mickey attacking Francine, but did nothing. When Francine went for help numerous times, they simply turned their cheek trying to hand her over to other authorities who also did nothing. This left Francine feeling absolutely terrified for her life since Mickey was threatening to kill her, and absolutely hopeless since there seemed to be no way out: so she killed him. This movie is an excellent example of abuse, but the one thing it does not show is a successful, safe way out. There are ways to get help!

In the movies and news we view all the time, it seems as though the only way out of these horrible situations is someone dying. Look at the recent case in New York: NY Times- Barbara Sheehan
This woman was abused for years and hopelessly, in self defense, found her escape. The prosecutors' only defense was that her abuser was killed and she survived, so he was the "only victim" (coughbullshitcough); but what about all of the victims who's abusers are still very much alive? How do they find a way out without murdering their partners? There are ways! There are hundreds of resources in every state, and there are many laws protecting victims of abuse (and this is thankfully increasing). What we need more of are the bloggers and journalists truly seeking to raise awareness about this issue- they do exist! It is time we stop being silent and hidden about this issue; let our voices be heard. We will not tolerate this abuse in our society! We need to see more publicity regarding awareness, not just glorifying abuse or belittling it. We need to see more articles from people who understand domestic violence, not just reporters who solely want a story to write about. We need to see more literature from people who care about stopping this abuse.

If our media starts raising more awareness in realistic and relative terms, we can use our knowledge to fight this abuse. The stories that truly should shine are the survivor's stories! It doesn't always end in death. Find out your local resources and utilize them. If you or someone you know is being abused, don't let them lose hope; they can safely leave their relationship. For tips, visit www.loveisnotabuse.com or www.loveisrespect.org, or www.safehorizon.org, or any other site you can stumble upon! Abusive relationships do not always have to end with someone dying, whether that be the victim or the abuser. Develop a safety plan. If you know someone in an abusive relationship, don't wait until it's too late and their name is the next headline in the newspaper. Do your part and stop the hurt.

If I don't post again until next week, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! See my post from last week about how to give thanks in your community! Thank you!

What Would You Do?

Hey Everyone!! It's almost the weekend and almost Thanksgiving break! I know I'm excited..mainly for the food. Sorry URI, but I need some home cooking. This will be a rather short post, but interesting nonetheless! I'd love to hear your thoughts and feedback on this post! Feel free to comment!

I found a very moving clip from a show on ABC called "What Would You Do?" of an episode based on domestic violence. What the show does is it sets up a scene with actors and sees how people in the public react to it. The public does not know they are actors until they are told so after their intervention with the event. In this case, the actors were an abusive boyfriend with his girlfriend in a restaurant. The girlfriend already had very visible markings on her face that were unmistakably abuse from her boyfriend. She enters the restaurant alone, crying. Then her boyfriend follows and immediately verbally abuses her. See how the public (who think this is real) intervene:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIEFiHgPPgE



I think this episode is extremely uplifting. It is truly inspiring to see that men and women feel the need to step in and stop this violence. They put their own safety in danger (which is not always the best- you want to be safe, too!) in order to protect those women, and they did that because they knew it was right. They couldn't fathom the idea of those women going back to their abuse any longer, so they took their civil liberty to intervene. In other videos from the show, the public explain that they feel as though they have an obligation to uphold our society. Check out other episodes on youtube concerning cyberbullying, sexual harrassment, and more. Sometimes the public just stare in disgust, but don't physically intervene. All in all, everyone knows what's unacceptable but they may not always stand up and say it. But shouldn't we? If we just sit and feel disgusted but don't actually do anything, we are adding to their hurt. Silence is the killer. Sometimes domestic violence or bullying ends tragically in homicide and/or suicide. Maybe if just one person intervenes before they commit those acts, their lives will not end. We need to break the silence. We all have the ability to stand up against what is wrong.

What would you do?

I know that domestic violence seems never ending and is of course extremely depressing. It seems as though 1 in 4 is way too large a number of people to be hurt by this horrific issue. In truth, it is hard for me to read article after article about women and children and men being torn apart by domestic violence. However, what keeps me going is knowing that there is a rapidly growing number of citizens doing their part to stand up against this abuse. This clip just proves it! We have this innate protective nurturing trait within us that needs to help others in distress. That comforts me. So when asked why I would not want to pursue some kind of "practical" career such as marketing, accounting, law, teaching, or whatever else society deems financially stable, I simply reply that I could not see myself doing anything else. No amount of money or stability could veer me towards any other career other than preventing this hurt. It may account to sleepless nights, frustrations and tears, and maybe I won't get to vacation in the Bahamas with my paycheck, but I will live better knowing I have helped another life. What will you do?

Do your part and stop the hurt.