Why Do They Stay?

One of the biggest questions posed toward victims of abuse is "Why do they stay?" It's a reasonable question for someone who has been fortunate enough not to be in that situation. Why do they stay? Why don't they just leave if they are being hurt again and again? I could list the hundreds of thousands of different reasons, but it still extremely hard to understand if you haven't been in that position. I have most likely written about this subject already, but this question is so prevalent that I find it relevant to address again.

Every victim of abuse has a unique experience regardless of how similar it may be to others. Therefore, every single victim has their own reasons why they don't, or can't, leave their abusive relationships. There are so many different angles to look at when trying to understand why someone would not leave their abusive relationship including their age, living situation, economic stance, family support, if they have children, danger of being abused worse or killed (very real fear!), low self esteem, they love their abuser, their abuser has threatened them, self blame of the abuse, and more. I'm going to give you a few scenarios since I received positive feedback on past ones.

*All names and stories are completely fictional and are not based on real people, but can be based on real life situations.

Scenario 1: Amy and Jake have been dating for 6 months. They are both in high school, but Jake is a senior and Amy is a sophomore. Jake makes Amy feel very special, but he is extremely possessive and jealous. He constantly controls her schedule and who she talks to and what she dresses. He's begun to shove her and has even slapped her a few times. But he is the soccer captain and a very good student. His parents are very popular in their town, and everyone loves their family, including Amy's parents who have become close friends with them. Jake has a very good reputation in their town, and everyone tells Amy how lucky she is to be dating him. Jake has a full-ride scholarship to a really great school. When Amy tries to tell her friends how controlling Jake is and that he hits her sometimes, they tell her she'd be crazy to leave him and they didn't believe someone so seemingly perfect could be abusive. Jake tells her he only does what he does because he loves her so much. Amy feels trapped. She knows this relationship isn't healthy, but if she leaves him...

- her friends will stop talking to her because they will think she is crazy

- her family will not understand because Jake seems so wonderful to them

- she's worried about the way it will make Jake look to the town

- if she calls the police about the abuse, he could lose his scholarship

- it will cause tension and problems with the relationship between her parents and Jake's parents

- Jake's parents will look bad in the town because of it

- Jake will tell all of his friends how crazy she is and that no one should date her

- she is scared that if she tries to break up with him, he will beat her worse

- no one will believe her, and she will be further isolated

Scenario 2: Harry and Liz have been married for 3 years and have a child together who is an infant. Harry works full time while Liz is a stay-at-home mom for their baby. Harry owns their property solely, and they have a joint bank account. Harry is extremely violent and physically abuses Liz often. Liz has tried getting a part-time job, but Harry doesn't let her. The beatings have gotten worse, and Liz has gone to a shelter a couple times already with her child. In fear of being killed, she has tried to make a safety plan to escape safely with her baby. However, Liz has no money since Harry controls their bank account and owns their property. Liz also knows if she tried to divorce him, he would get custody of their baby since she does not have a job and has nowhere else to live. Harry has threatened to hurt the baby if she tried to leave him. What would you do? If she tries to leave...

- her baby's life is put in danger

- her own life is put in danger

- she will have nowhere to live

- she will have no money

- Harry will harass her and not leave her alone

- she may lose custody of her child

- divorce is against her religion, and her family may not support it

Scenario 3: Matt and Dan have been dating for 2 years, but Matt has not come out openly to his family yet. Only Matt's friends know he is gay, and he is not ready to tell his parents or brother yet. Dan is very emotionally abusive and constantly insults Matt and puts him down. Dan does not let Matt go out with friends or spend time with his family unless he gives him permission to do so. Dan has access to Matt's Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and phone at all times. He knows all of his passwords and constantly checks his accounts. Dan has never hit Matt, but he has thrown glasses and plates at a wall near him and has threatened to vandalize his car. Dan has a bad temper and Matt is scared he may hit him soon. Matt wants to leave him, but he knows if he does...

- Dan has threatened to tell his parents he's gay
- Dan will post embarrassing and cruel things on his accounts
- Dan will isolate him from his friends even more
- Matt has a very low self esteem from Dan, and feels dependent on him
- Dan has threatened to send his boss inappropriate items he has access to from his accounts
- Matt will be shunned from his community for being gay and unaccepted by his family
- Matt fears for his safety, and is concerned about damage Dan may do to his property

Now all of these scenarios are very different from each other, and you have to keep in mind that there are so many other factors coming into play that we cannot see from an outside perspective. These victims are in romantic relationships and a lot of the times feel very close with their abuser, and often love them. Love is complicated enough, and when you throw it into an abusive relationship it gets very messy. The two most important things to take from this post is:

1: Be patient and understanding with your friends and loved ones who are in their abusive relationships!

2: They can get help getting out!

It is so important to be patient with a friend or loved one who is being abused and doesn't want to, or can't safely, leave their abusive relationship. They need all of the support they can get, and when they are ready and it is safe to do so, they can leave. It is our role as friends and family members to be there for them and not judge or give up on their decisions. Ultimately, they know what is best for them. It is not our job to rescue them, but we can offer resources and information on how to safely escape. Contact a local shelter for more information on how they can develop a safety plan. Or if they simply need a counselor to speak to about their experience, that may be all they need. There is always help. No one deserves to be abused, and everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. Do your part and stop the hurt.

YOU Can Get Involved!

Hello All! I love doing the work I do, and I'm even more excited to do the work I want to do in the future. I have many resources at URI and around town, and I utilize them the best I can. Lucky for you, you can do the same wherever you are!

By now if you've read most of my posts, you probably care about this awful issue. I would hope so! If you are reading my posts and feeling helpless like, "what can I do?" or "how can I help?", have no worries! This post will be dedicated to my suggestions as a student on how YOU can get involved! It is never too late to raise awareness about domestic abuse, and it can start as small as a conversation. I will be talking about high school and college, but if parents are reading this, you can pass these suggestions along to them! I will also provide resources from my favorite organizations at the end of this post for both students and parents.

Are you excited?! To be honest, when I first got involved in domestic abuse I had no connection to it. My older brother was on the high school task force because one of his best friends was in an abusive relationship and she was the president of the task force. The high school task force started a year or two before I started high school, and it was very understaffed. One day they were handing out flyers during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and my brother asked me to help. I helped, read the flyers as I was handing them out, and decided I wanted to join my freshman year. By my junior year, I was president. By the time I was a senior, the group size had tripled.

There were task forces in at least 5 other neighboring schools in my state, and we collaborated. I became my town's representative for Teen PeaceWorks, which was a local branch of a domestic violence shelter DVCCCT (Domestic Violence Crisis Center Connecticut). This is who our proceeds went to, and where most of our resources came from. If you live in Rhode Island, there are 7 well-known shelters and probably a dozen of other nonaffiliated programs. If you are from any other state, go to your state's coalition site and all of the shelters should be listed there. Typically, the website will start with the first letter of your state followed by cadv.org. For example, Rhode Island's coalition site is ricadv.org, and the national coalition site is http://www.ncadv.org/. There you can find all of the state coalitions and their shelters, as well as helpful information. If you are looking for a shelter to work with, email one of the directors and see if they are willing to collaborate with your high school.

If you are in high school (or for parents who have a child who is in high school), if you don't already have a club for domestic violence awareness and prevention, start one! Find out how to start a club and what regulations your school has. Ask your friends to join you, and make sure you have at least one adult faculty member that can help you out. Once you've got your resources, you can start your work! First thing any club in high school has to do is focus on when they will be doing most of their work: October and February. Obviously you can do work near the holidays in December, or basically anytime! However, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. So, these times are very crucial for your work. Some examples of what you and your club can do to raise funds and awareness are:

- informational booth; contains flyers, purple ribbons, pins, bracelets, any other merchandise for the cause, and resources to nearby shelters
- bake sale with an informational booth
- car wash with informational booth
- silent witnesses; silhouettes (if this is available to you) of victims who have died due to dv
- talent show where funds go to nearby shelters
- hands are not for hurting; have students sign their name on a large banner agreeing that violence is unacceptable- they can trace their hands and sign inside it, for example
- purple day; have a contest with whoever wears the most purple to raise awareness gets a prize
- bracelet sale; get silicone purple bracelets and sell them to raise awareness
- have your group members wear a specific color (red, for example) on a day to signify the number of teens going through an abusive relationship; make an announcement about its significance

I'm sure you can think of many more, but those are just a few! Obviously clubs in colleges can do the same thing as long as you have the permission, funding, and support! All of these suggestions are a great way to do your part to stop the hurt! :)

Self Esteem is Key

Hey Everybody! I want to discuss my personal theories on how to prevent domestic abuse in adolescents and young kids. Just as a forewarning these are my personal beliefs that have not been tested. I have combined experience with knowledge from research to come up with these ideas, so I hope you enjoy! Also, please participate in my poll (----->) and tell me what you would like me to post about next! Thank you!

Self Esteem
Defined as "a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of one's self worth". There are many aspects of self esteem, and it is a very subjective concept. Self esteem is fragile, modifiable, and vulnerable. What do you think of when you think of self esteem? What factors affect one's self esteem? How can we improve self esteem?

When we are young, between the ages of 3 to 7, we are building up a simple base of our self esteem. We base it off of our parents mainly, and/or other family members or guardians who take care of us. Our self esteem at those young ages are basic and we develop them based on approval, love and openness, our competence, and beginning values. Most of these aspects are influenced by our parents (guardians) because they are the first people we interact with for a long period of time. They are the first people who offer us love, or don't offer us love. They are the first people who encourage or discourage our behaviors. If we are securely attached to our parents/guardians, our relationship with them defines our views on love and openness in the future.

As we grow older, from ages 8-13, these are the ages of middle school. Kids can be cruel! Hopefully all of you had a good experience in middle school, but this time for kids is crucial for self esteem building. This is when peer review is at its highest; kids are constantly comparing themselves to their peers. They aren't quite at the identity-role stage yet, but their identities at this time are constantly being shaped and changed by their peers. Kids at this age are just starting to form their own ideals and values. They are forming them and reshaping them as their personality and values change. Their peers have major influences on who they decide to be, how they decide to dress, and what interests they take part in. Image, personality, and beliefs are all beginning to form at this age, so it is a crucial time for intervention. By intervention I mean it is a perfect time to begin education on dating abuse. Why? Because their beliefs and values are being formed at this time, so if they learn now how to respect others and respect themselves, they will be more likely to carry this out through high school. They must learn at this age what healthy dating looks like, since they will most likely experiment with dating once they enter high school. As mentioned before, self esteem is very fragile and vulnerable and is easily manipulated by others. They think their peers know best, but in reality they don't so it is important they learn from elders what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships.

In high school, ages 14-18, self esteem is constantly changing. By now kids have made their core group of friends and have developed interests, hobbies, and lifestyle choices. Peers are still a major influence on their choices in life and the way they view themselves. Social comparison still exists mainly between the core friend groups. Kids inevitably gravitate toward a group they feel they "fit in" with, so they are constantly trying to maintain an image that keeps up with their peers. They want to be approved, just like they have wanted since they were younger, and they will do just about anything to feel welcomed. It is hard at these ages, especially 14 and 15, to stand up against your peer group and say that something they did was wrong. For example, it takes a lot of guts for a young boy to stand up against his idol who jokes about hitting women. If he does this he may be ostracized, beat up, made fun of, or just simply shot down. Not only does this hurt his self esteem, but the long term effects could ruin his years in high school. Kids in high school are going through what is called the "identity crisis" where they are trying to discover their purpose in life and what path they are going to follow. This identity they are molding into in a sense determines a lot in their personality for the rest of their life. Also, it is easy to lose oneself in a relationship. It is easy for an abuser to try to mold their partner's identity into what they want them to be. Self esteem is attacked in an abusive relationship because it is how the abuser maintains power and control over them. Someone who is being emotionally abused is being constantly put down and insulted, manipulated and hurt, and is under the control of their abuser. Their self esteem is at high risk at this point, and easy for the abuser to destroy. This is a critical time for education.

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My methods of prevention in young children (early school age):
- practice messages of love/approval/support/encouragement of good behavior with them
- help them work on their own to develop their own levels of competence and mastery so that they feel confident in themselves; this builds self esteem
- administer self-evaluations and evaluations of values; check for any negative feedback and address it to see where it is coming from (parents, peers, self)-this would call for a minor intervention to try to revert the negative evaluations back to positive evaluations; make frequent evaluations to see how self esteem progresses

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My methods of prevention in middle school age children:
- do active workshops where they learn to cooperatively work together with others; team building; this allows room for leadership without demands/authoritarianism; leadership also leads to individualism and self efficiency and self reliability
- encourage and enforce respect! respect for oneself and respect for others- cannot emphasize this enough; respect is important for everything in life, especially romantic relationships but is not limited to them
- promote healthy friendships; promote diversity and acceptance

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My methods of prevention in high school age adolescents:
- start domestic violence education immediately; promote healthy relationships and raise awareness of unhealthy relationships
- talk about self worth; administer self evaluations regarding self worth and self esteem; teach about how to maintain self worth
- boost individualism within social roles/groups/identities; inspire self sufficiency/reliance; stress importance of self needs and one's happiness and self-checking

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I hope you found this helpful, informative, and enjoyable! I don't want to drag this post out for too much longer, so let me finish with a message from my favorite musical artist, Christina Aguilera: you are Beautiful no matter what they say and words can't bring you down.
Do your part, and stop the hurt!
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