YOU Can Get Involved!

Hello All! I love doing the work I do, and I'm even more excited to do the work I want to do in the future. I have many resources at URI and around town, and I utilize them the best I can. Lucky for you, you can do the same wherever you are!

By now if you've read most of my posts, you probably care about this awful issue. I would hope so! If you are reading my posts and feeling helpless like, "what can I do?" or "how can I help?", have no worries! This post will be dedicated to my suggestions as a student on how YOU can get involved! It is never too late to raise awareness about domestic abuse, and it can start as small as a conversation. I will be talking about high school and college, but if parents are reading this, you can pass these suggestions along to them! I will also provide resources from my favorite organizations at the end of this post for both students and parents.

Are you excited?! To be honest, when I first got involved in domestic abuse I had no connection to it. My older brother was on the high school task force because one of his best friends was in an abusive relationship and she was the president of the task force. The high school task force started a year or two before I started high school, and it was very understaffed. One day they were handing out flyers during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and my brother asked me to help. I helped, read the flyers as I was handing them out, and decided I wanted to join my freshman year. By my junior year, I was president. By the time I was a senior, the group size had tripled.

There were task forces in at least 5 other neighboring schools in my state, and we collaborated. I became my town's representative for Teen PeaceWorks, which was a local branch of a domestic violence shelter DVCCCT (Domestic Violence Crisis Center Connecticut). This is who our proceeds went to, and where most of our resources came from. If you live in Rhode Island, there are 7 well-known shelters and probably a dozen of other nonaffiliated programs. If you are from any other state, go to your state's coalition site and all of the shelters should be listed there. Typically, the website will start with the first letter of your state followed by cadv.org. For example, Rhode Island's coalition site is ricadv.org, and the national coalition site is http://www.ncadv.org/. There you can find all of the state coalitions and their shelters, as well as helpful information. If you are looking for a shelter to work with, email one of the directors and see if they are willing to collaborate with your high school.

If you are in high school (or for parents who have a child who is in high school), if you don't already have a club for domestic violence awareness and prevention, start one! Find out how to start a club and what regulations your school has. Ask your friends to join you, and make sure you have at least one adult faculty member that can help you out. Once you've got your resources, you can start your work! First thing any club in high school has to do is focus on when they will be doing most of their work: October and February. Obviously you can do work near the holidays in December, or basically anytime! However, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. So, these times are very crucial for your work. Some examples of what you and your club can do to raise funds and awareness are:

- informational booth; contains flyers, purple ribbons, pins, bracelets, any other merchandise for the cause, and resources to nearby shelters
- bake sale with an informational booth
- car wash with informational booth
- silent witnesses; silhouettes (if this is available to you) of victims who have died due to dv
- talent show where funds go to nearby shelters
- hands are not for hurting; have students sign their name on a large banner agreeing that violence is unacceptable- they can trace their hands and sign inside it, for example
- purple day; have a contest with whoever wears the most purple to raise awareness gets a prize
- bracelet sale; get silicone purple bracelets and sell them to raise awareness
- have your group members wear a specific color (red, for example) on a day to signify the number of teens going through an abusive relationship; make an announcement about its significance

I'm sure you can think of many more, but those are just a few! Obviously clubs in colleges can do the same thing as long as you have the permission, funding, and support! All of these suggestions are a great way to do your part to stop the hurt! :)

Self Esteem is Key

Hey Everybody! I want to discuss my personal theories on how to prevent domestic abuse in adolescents and young kids. Just as a forewarning these are my personal beliefs that have not been tested. I have combined experience with knowledge from research to come up with these ideas, so I hope you enjoy! Also, please participate in my poll (----->) and tell me what you would like me to post about next! Thank you!

Self Esteem
Defined as "a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of one's self worth". There are many aspects of self esteem, and it is a very subjective concept. Self esteem is fragile, modifiable, and vulnerable. What do you think of when you think of self esteem? What factors affect one's self esteem? How can we improve self esteem?

When we are young, between the ages of 3 to 7, we are building up a simple base of our self esteem. We base it off of our parents mainly, and/or other family members or guardians who take care of us. Our self esteem at those young ages are basic and we develop them based on approval, love and openness, our competence, and beginning values. Most of these aspects are influenced by our parents (guardians) because they are the first people we interact with for a long period of time. They are the first people who offer us love, or don't offer us love. They are the first people who encourage or discourage our behaviors. If we are securely attached to our parents/guardians, our relationship with them defines our views on love and openness in the future.

As we grow older, from ages 8-13, these are the ages of middle school. Kids can be cruel! Hopefully all of you had a good experience in middle school, but this time for kids is crucial for self esteem building. This is when peer review is at its highest; kids are constantly comparing themselves to their peers. They aren't quite at the identity-role stage yet, but their identities at this time are constantly being shaped and changed by their peers. Kids at this age are just starting to form their own ideals and values. They are forming them and reshaping them as their personality and values change. Their peers have major influences on who they decide to be, how they decide to dress, and what interests they take part in. Image, personality, and beliefs are all beginning to form at this age, so it is a crucial time for intervention. By intervention I mean it is a perfect time to begin education on dating abuse. Why? Because their beliefs and values are being formed at this time, so if they learn now how to respect others and respect themselves, they will be more likely to carry this out through high school. They must learn at this age what healthy dating looks like, since they will most likely experiment with dating once they enter high school. As mentioned before, self esteem is very fragile and vulnerable and is easily manipulated by others. They think their peers know best, but in reality they don't so it is important they learn from elders what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships.

In high school, ages 14-18, self esteem is constantly changing. By now kids have made their core group of friends and have developed interests, hobbies, and lifestyle choices. Peers are still a major influence on their choices in life and the way they view themselves. Social comparison still exists mainly between the core friend groups. Kids inevitably gravitate toward a group they feel they "fit in" with, so they are constantly trying to maintain an image that keeps up with their peers. They want to be approved, just like they have wanted since they were younger, and they will do just about anything to feel welcomed. It is hard at these ages, especially 14 and 15, to stand up against your peer group and say that something they did was wrong. For example, it takes a lot of guts for a young boy to stand up against his idol who jokes about hitting women. If he does this he may be ostracized, beat up, made fun of, or just simply shot down. Not only does this hurt his self esteem, but the long term effects could ruin his years in high school. Kids in high school are going through what is called the "identity crisis" where they are trying to discover their purpose in life and what path they are going to follow. This identity they are molding into in a sense determines a lot in their personality for the rest of their life. Also, it is easy to lose oneself in a relationship. It is easy for an abuser to try to mold their partner's identity into what they want them to be. Self esteem is attacked in an abusive relationship because it is how the abuser maintains power and control over them. Someone who is being emotionally abused is being constantly put down and insulted, manipulated and hurt, and is under the control of their abuser. Their self esteem is at high risk at this point, and easy for the abuser to destroy. This is a critical time for education.

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My methods of prevention in young children (early school age):
- practice messages of love/approval/support/encouragement of good behavior with them
- help them work on their own to develop their own levels of competence and mastery so that they feel confident in themselves; this builds self esteem
- administer self-evaluations and evaluations of values; check for any negative feedback and address it to see where it is coming from (parents, peers, self)-this would call for a minor intervention to try to revert the negative evaluations back to positive evaluations; make frequent evaluations to see how self esteem progresses

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My methods of prevention in middle school age children:
- do active workshops where they learn to cooperatively work together with others; team building; this allows room for leadership without demands/authoritarianism; leadership also leads to individualism and self efficiency and self reliability
- encourage and enforce respect! respect for oneself and respect for others- cannot emphasize this enough; respect is important for everything in life, especially romantic relationships but is not limited to them
- promote healthy friendships; promote diversity and acceptance

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My methods of prevention in high school age adolescents:
- start domestic violence education immediately; promote healthy relationships and raise awareness of unhealthy relationships
- talk about self worth; administer self evaluations regarding self worth and self esteem; teach about how to maintain self worth
- boost individualism within social roles/groups/identities; inspire self sufficiency/reliance; stress importance of self needs and one's happiness and self-checking

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I hope you found this helpful, informative, and enjoyable! I don't want to drag this post out for too much longer, so let me finish with a message from my favorite musical artist, Christina Aguilera: you are Beautiful no matter what they say and words can't bring you down.
Do your part, and stop the hurt!
Please 'like' my Facebook page if you haven't already done so! Thank you! Stop The Hurt Facebook Page xo

Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil

Hi Everyone!

It's crunch time here at URI since finals are next week already (semesters fly by so fast). I hope everyone is trying to be stress-free and powering through! Today I'm going to talk about children who witness domestic abuse in their homes. This subject has a lot of research behind it, but it is important to note that the research is objective, and that each individual handles things uniquely. The title of this post is "Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See No Evil" because it represents the children who are silenced, confused, or neglected when witnessing abuse.

So we've talked about abusive relationships in most of its forms, but we haven't mentioned who else it affects. We've briefly touched on friends and family and how you can help if you see someone in an abusive relationship, but what if there are children in the house?

Children who witness domestic violence are just as affected as the victim in most cases. 

It highly depends on the age of the child, and each child handles the situation differently. There are certain distinct differences we can determine based on the age of the child, however. For example, a child in the preschool age may experience distress and irritability. They may feel very close to one parent and feel anxious or fearful when away from that parent. Typically the child will be confused and not vocal about what's going on, but will show it in their playtime or other discrete ways. For a child in their pre-teen years, their experiences become much more detrimental due to their active behaviors in response to what they see going on. Kids in their pre-teens and during adolescence may involve themselves in risky or dangerous behaviors such as drug/alcohol use, risky sexual behaviors, skipping school, becoming more violent or aggressive in their demeanor, or threatening suicide or running away. This child may also do the opposite and become very reserved and avoid social interactions by isolating themselves (much like the victim). They might feel shame that they cannot help their abused parent, or they might blame the abused parent for breaking up the family or causing them problems. The child may become depressed and fearful. It should not surprise you that a lot of the times when there are children involved, the children are abused too. This is not always the case, but unfortunately it does happen.

As I've mentioned, each experience is unique to the child, but regardless of the individual the experience is always negative. There are psychological effects, and sometimes physical effects. These are very similar to the effects victims experience as well; shame, embarrassment, guilt, depression, anxiety, blame. These psychological effects affect their behaviors as well. They may remove themselves from group activities or social conventions, and maybe stop going to school altogether. They may become more aggressive or violent with their peers and act out if they are angry. They may engage in dangerous behaviors to cope with their pain and confusion, and become more distrusting of adult or authority figures. Sometimes if the child witnesses the abuse and the police intervene but the abuse still continues, the child may feel as though they are unprotected and helpless. Other times if the child sympathizes with their abused parent, they will feel shameful that they cannot help them. Unfortunately, sometimes the child will blame the victimized parent and be angrier towards them for not fixing their problems. In some cases, the child becomes so used to the violence that it becomes natural to them. They might accept violence as a way of expressing love, and think that it's okay to express oneself violently. This could be due to the fact that the abuser tells them this, or either parents don't discuss it with the child at all.

There are also possible physical effects due to witnessing abuse. The child may develop eating disorders, sleep disorders, anxiety or depression, or other physical disturbances. These physical effects may not be life-threatening, but they are stressors that indicate deeper psychological pain. You can imagine the distress and confusion the child feels being stuck in such a life-altering situation.

What To Do?

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship with children in the home, don't ignore it. You know how it affects the victim, and now you know how it affects the children. Make sure if you are in the position to talk to the victim, talk to them about the effects the abuse may have on their kids. This is obviously a sensitive subject, so be careful with your choice of words. Do not blame the victim or accuse them of neglecting their child. Simply suggest that they talk to their kids about how they feel. Have them sit down with their children and listen to their thoughts and feelings about what's going on. The victim may flat out deny the abuse, or feel their role as a parent is threatened and refuse to talk about it. If this occurs, you must respect their decision and back off for the time being. If they do agree to talk to their child, suggest the following: talk to their kids openly, listen to their kids' feelings, offer counseling or someone they trust they could talk to, reassure them that it's not their fault, acknowledge that violence is not okay, be patient, understanding, and caring with their kids. It is especially important to explain that violence is not okay because the child may begin to accept violence as a means of love. They may not understand that love does not include violence, so it is important to explain to them that it is not an acceptable way of expressing oneself. Make sure the child does not feel threatened, blamed, unloved, or rejected. The child may not always be willing to talk about their feelings immediately, but be respectfully and calmly persistent by bringing it up other times. Do not pretend as though the child is acting normally and that they are alright. More often than not they are very negatively affected.

This is a shocking video on facts about children who are in violent homes: 10 Shocking Domestic Violence Facts About Children

Even if they try just once to talk about the abuse with their child, it opens up conversation and allows for the child to feel safe, welcome, and acknowledged. Any effort counts. Do your part and stop the hurt.

For more information, go to your state's coalition site, or the national site: http://www.ncadv.org/ under "Learn" and "The Problem". Or visit this helpful site for more Info!

If you don't already, please 'like' my facebook page Stop The Hurt and follow @Stop_TheHurt on twitter!! Thank you so much for your ongoing support!