Now I know my blog says it's all about domestic abuse, but that does not mean I don't advocate for sexual assault awareness and prevention as well! I care just as much about sexual assault as domestic abuse because it hurts. And here we all want to STOP THE HURT. As hopefully all of you know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month! I know here at URI we're doing our best to raise awareness, and we are hosting booths every Wednesday. If you're a student or faculty member, please come take the pledge to NOT condone, commit, or stay silent about sexual assault. Wear a teal ribbon to support the fight against sexual assault!
DID YOU KNOW: 1 in 6 women is sexually assaulted or has been a victim of attempted rape in her lifetime, and 1 in 6 men is sexually assaulted in his lifetime and 1 in 33 men are victims of attempted rape
DID YOU KNOW: 87% of the victims KNOW the perpetrator
DID YOU KNOW: every 2 minutes in the U.S., someone is sexually assaulted
Sexual assault and sexual violence has a lot going on, so I want to break it down for you. The laws in Rhode Island define it in 3 degrees:
1st degree sexual assault: penetration of any part of the victim’s body by any part of the offender’s body, or by an object.
- this means that it must be a sexual part of the body (not poking a finger in someone's ear, however strange and uncomfortable that may be)
2nd degree sexual assault: sexual contact without penetration for sexual gratification.
- this means the person contacting the victim must be getting some sexual gratification from the touching occurring (the area on the victim does not necessarily have to be a sexual place; it could be their thigh for example)
3rd degree sexual assault: a person who is +18 engages in sexual penetration with a person between 14 & 16. (Consent of the younger person is not a defense.)
- the legal age of consent differs between states, but in Rhode Island it is 16
Sexual assault is not just a legal issue, however. There are many psychological and physical effects that occur. Victims of sexual assault can experience effects very similar to victims of abuse, such as:
- shame/guilt - self-blame - anger/irritability - fear/anxiety -physical/emotional changes
These are just some of the many psychological and physical effects that may come from sexual assault. It's also important to remember though that no matter how similar an event of sexual assault may be, every individual copes with it differently. Maybe one person who was sexually assaulted suddenly becomes very introverted and stops hanging out with their friends or going out to parties. Maybe they shut themselves off emotionally and become very reserved. However, someone else could do the opposite and become very promiscuous or party excessively. Neither of these coping mechanisms are healthy, and if you see a drastic change in a friend then ask them what's wrong. Even if they weren't sexually assaulted, something is probably going on in their life and they will be happy you asked.
One of the other effects that I want to emphasize is self-blame. Self-blame is common in victims of abuse or assault, and often paired with that shame or guilt. It is NEVER the victim's fault if they are assaulted in any way. Psychologically we try to come up with excuses so that we feel safer thinking it could never happen to us. For example, we try to blame it on how the victim was dressing, or how the victim was "asking for it". Pardon my french but that's absolute bullsh*t. No one would ever ASK to be a victim of assault. Ever. No matter how "slutty" they are dressing, no one wishes to be manipulated or attacked. So no, it is NEVER the victim's fault. If a victim tries to convince you otherwise, please tell them that there is nothing they could have done differently because it was the perpetrator's own horrible choices and foul behaviors, not theirs.
Chances are, if someone is sexually assaulted, they will not likely come forward and tell everyone they know. Statistically only about 20% of sexual assaults are actually reported to the police. That's just the police reports! It's hard enough to tell your friends or family, but imagine having to tell the police? Telling someone you were sexually assaulted is one of the hardest things to do, so if someone tells you: BELIEVE THEM. SUPPORT THEM. And most importantly, tell them how happy you are that they felt comfortable enough to confide in you!
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, call 1-800-656-HOPE or visit http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/ for information. You can get help! Together we must vow to not be silent about this extremely relevant and preventable problem! We must work together to stop this hurt from affecting so many innocent people! If you have done anything to raise awareness or education about sexual assault, feel free to comment in the comment box and share your experience! Thank you!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Preventing the Abusers from Abusing
I hope you all had a wonderful spring break if you're in school, and if not I hope you have been enjoying this amazing weather! Today's post is about preventing abusers from ever becoming abusers. Is it possible? Can we prevent abusers from abusing?
I am obviously not an expert of any sort, but I have been starting to do a lot of research on this topic since it really intrigues me. So many people want to immediately point the finger at the victim and ask why it happens to them. We ask 'why THAT person? What qualities do they have that made them more prone to be a victim? What's their family background of abuse; did they grow up in an abusive household?' And so on. We focus on how to protect people from becoming victims, but isn't a huge part of that understanding where the abusers come from? We cannot simply ignore that half of the equation is missing when we solely talk about the victims and the victim perspectives. If we ever want to end domestic abuse, we are going to need to look at all of the aspects of it, including the abusers themselves.
This post is going to be a brief overview of my opinions and generic research since it will obviously take a lot more than one post to comprehend this complex issue! The first steps to ending abuse may be small but they can lead us to creating new possible solutions and better understandings as to why this happens.
So what can we look at first? Well we know that abuse is a calculated, conscious, and repetitive act. If we are assuming the abuser is mentally stable (to say the least), then what causes them to rationalize violent or manipulative/abusive behaviors? Are their brains simply wired differently? Do they not feel empathy? One aspect we can look at is their psychological 'map' so to speak. We can see if there are actually any trends in abusers that can show us whether there is a correlation between their mental constructs and their abusive behaviors. Perhaps we can research studies (or conduct our own eventually!) that can study the psychological health of an abuser. In doing this we can determine whether there is a biological predisposition that abusers possess that could potentially predict their behaviors. This is not to assume that anyone with this biological predisposition would definitely become an abuser, but it may help us narrow down the types of people who do. Once we can figure out how to narrow those people down, we can learn how to intervene.
What if abuse is a learned behavior? A lot of research supports this theory because statistics show that children born into an abusive household are 80% more likely to become abusers themselves. That is a large number, but it is noteworthy to mention that not ALL children born into abusive households become abusers. If a child is born into an abusive home, they may never have been taught what a healthy relationship looks like. If they grow up believing that violence or abuse is love, then who is to tell them to act any differently in their own adult relationships? If abuse is a learned behavior, can it be unlearned? If we study this aspect more as well, then perhaps we can conduct interventions and workshops that redefine love for these abusers and show them that abuse is unacceptable and unhealthy. Some statistics show that children who witness abuse in their homes tend to blame the victim for ruining their family. They don't know any better, and sometimes the abuser will manipulate the children into supporting the abuse in a sense. If this is the case, perhaps the chid aspires to be like their abusive parent when they are an adult. These are all possible scenarios of learned abusive behavior. So if these are more possible explanations to why people become abusers, we can find more efficient ways to prevent someone from becoming an abuser.
Other theories on why abusers abuse has to do with their physical behaviors and expressions themselves. Mainly with physical abuse there is a lot of hostility and anger that comes with the violence. Is it possible that anger management could help the abusers stop themselves from physically abusing their partner? We have to be careful not to excuse their abuse by saying it is merely out of their control, because we cannot excuse abuse in any instance. However, if anger is the true issue, then this may be a great point of access to reach these troubled people. Of course there are a lot of people with anger issues who do not abuse their partners, so we know that could never be the only indicator. But, if it's one piece to the puzzle then it's one piece closer to seeing the whole picture.
Personally I believe these aspects are all important, and I know there are many others that I haven't even touched on. However the best part about being a student is that you never stop learning! I am continuing my research and I love to share it here. I want to stress again that these observations are merely that; they are based off of my experience and research in the field, but I have not tested them myself or seen any proof other than data supporting the theories. If you have information regarding this topic, I would love to hear what you have to share! Please 'like' my Facebook Page Stop The Hurt, and follow @Stop_TheHurt on Twitter! Feel free to post articles or your own blogs there and I will repost them and follow you back!
I apologize for not posting regularly, but I hope you enjoy these posts! Have a wonderful day and do your part and stop the hurt!
I am obviously not an expert of any sort, but I have been starting to do a lot of research on this topic since it really intrigues me. So many people want to immediately point the finger at the victim and ask why it happens to them. We ask 'why THAT person? What qualities do they have that made them more prone to be a victim? What's their family background of abuse; did they grow up in an abusive household?' And so on. We focus on how to protect people from becoming victims, but isn't a huge part of that understanding where the abusers come from? We cannot simply ignore that half of the equation is missing when we solely talk about the victims and the victim perspectives. If we ever want to end domestic abuse, we are going to need to look at all of the aspects of it, including the abusers themselves.
This post is going to be a brief overview of my opinions and generic research since it will obviously take a lot more than one post to comprehend this complex issue! The first steps to ending abuse may be small but they can lead us to creating new possible solutions and better understandings as to why this happens.
So what can we look at first? Well we know that abuse is a calculated, conscious, and repetitive act. If we are assuming the abuser is mentally stable (to say the least), then what causes them to rationalize violent or manipulative/abusive behaviors? Are their brains simply wired differently? Do they not feel empathy? One aspect we can look at is their psychological 'map' so to speak. We can see if there are actually any trends in abusers that can show us whether there is a correlation between their mental constructs and their abusive behaviors. Perhaps we can research studies (or conduct our own eventually!) that can study the psychological health of an abuser. In doing this we can determine whether there is a biological predisposition that abusers possess that could potentially predict their behaviors. This is not to assume that anyone with this biological predisposition would definitely become an abuser, but it may help us narrow down the types of people who do. Once we can figure out how to narrow those people down, we can learn how to intervene.
What if abuse is a learned behavior? A lot of research supports this theory because statistics show that children born into an abusive household are 80% more likely to become abusers themselves. That is a large number, but it is noteworthy to mention that not ALL children born into abusive households become abusers. If a child is born into an abusive home, they may never have been taught what a healthy relationship looks like. If they grow up believing that violence or abuse is love, then who is to tell them to act any differently in their own adult relationships? If abuse is a learned behavior, can it be unlearned? If we study this aspect more as well, then perhaps we can conduct interventions and workshops that redefine love for these abusers and show them that abuse is unacceptable and unhealthy. Some statistics show that children who witness abuse in their homes tend to blame the victim for ruining their family. They don't know any better, and sometimes the abuser will manipulate the children into supporting the abuse in a sense. If this is the case, perhaps the chid aspires to be like their abusive parent when they are an adult. These are all possible scenarios of learned abusive behavior. So if these are more possible explanations to why people become abusers, we can find more efficient ways to prevent someone from becoming an abuser.
Other theories on why abusers abuse has to do with their physical behaviors and expressions themselves. Mainly with physical abuse there is a lot of hostility and anger that comes with the violence. Is it possible that anger management could help the abusers stop themselves from physically abusing their partner? We have to be careful not to excuse their abuse by saying it is merely out of their control, because we cannot excuse abuse in any instance. However, if anger is the true issue, then this may be a great point of access to reach these troubled people. Of course there are a lot of people with anger issues who do not abuse their partners, so we know that could never be the only indicator. But, if it's one piece to the puzzle then it's one piece closer to seeing the whole picture.
Personally I believe these aspects are all important, and I know there are many others that I haven't even touched on. However the best part about being a student is that you never stop learning! I am continuing my research and I love to share it here. I want to stress again that these observations are merely that; they are based off of my experience and research in the field, but I have not tested them myself or seen any proof other than data supporting the theories. If you have information regarding this topic, I would love to hear what you have to share! Please 'like' my Facebook Page Stop The Hurt, and follow @Stop_TheHurt on Twitter! Feel free to post articles or your own blogs there and I will repost them and follow you back!
I apologize for not posting regularly, but I hope you enjoy these posts! Have a wonderful day and do your part and stop the hurt!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Teen Dating Abuse Awareness
Hey everyone! I have been way too lazy about posting, and I am kicking myself for not updating this in so long. There has been quite a lot going on in my life, so blogging has not been top priority. However, I CANNOT have a blog about domestic abuse and not post during Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month!
First off, let's start with the basics again. Briefly, don't worry; just a recap.
Dating abuse = any pattern of coercive behaviors such as physical, emotional/psychological, and/or sexual attacks used against a dating partner to maintain power and control in the relationship
Most importantly I want to stress again that victims can be ANYONE. This means the victim can be female, male, Caucasian, African American, Asian, wealthy, poor, Christian, Jewish, etc. The list goes on. There is no one type of victim. This is probably the scariest fact.
Here are more scary facts about dating abuse among teens:
- 1 in 3 teens experience SOME kind of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) in their relationships
- 1 in 5 teens experience verbal/emotional abuse by a dating partner
- the group most affected/involved in dating abuse are women ages 16-24
- 1 in 5 teens report they have been sexually abused by a dating partner
- Only 33% of victims ever even told anyone about the abuse
- 2 in 5 tweens report knowing a friend who has been harassed verbally by their partner via technology
- 1 in 4 teen girls report being physically or sexually abused by a partner
These facts come from Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial (rooted in Rhode Island), as well as Love Is Not Abuse and Love Is Respect. I want to give a shout-out to these amazing organizations because they are all doing a phenomenal job working towards educating teens about abuse, and helping to prevent it!
Clearly, this issue is relevant to all of us. Too often this problem is ignored, or undermined with completely false and unnecessary excuses. Why do we do this? Why do we choose to turn our heads and pretend, or even hope, that it doesn't happen when it so clearly does? Why do we tell ourselves, "it will never happen to someone I know" or "that doesn't happen in my town"? I'm sorry to burst your hopeful bubble, but unfortunately this issue is very real and absolutely happening right in your town. It's time to talk about it. It's time to face it. It's time to end it.
Teens are 3 times more likely to experience abuse than adults. In teenhood, love is just beginning and the ideals of what love is are also forming. Teens are looking for someone to confide in, to be intimate with, to feel comfortable with, and to feel safe with. Each person is unique, but in the end we all want someone to love. This is where the problem exists the most: love. Our definitions of love are skewed in an abusive relationship. Love is not abuse. But abusers tell us otherwise. If a teen is experiencing their first relationship, who is to tell them differently? US! This is where we need to step in and make our voices heard. They need to know: YES you DO deserve to be treated better, and NO abuse is NOT love!
Abuse in teen relationships exists in many forms: physical, emotional/psychological, verbal, digital, etc. If you've read some of my past posts, you'll know the basics of each type of abuse. However, I'll delve a little deeper now by giving you examples.
*all names and scenarios are completely made up, and none of these stories are real, however they are based off of real facts and statistics
Scenario #1: Ally is starting to skip classes, which she never used to do. Her grades are dropping, her clothes are changing, and she seems much more quiet and timid around her new boyfriend. When asked about the new clothes, she said her boyfriend thought her clothes were too slutty and she wasn’t allowed to wear them in public anymore. You recently saw some bruises on her arms, but when you tried asking her about it, she didn't want to talk about it...
Let's begin by breaking down what kinds of abuse we're seeing in Ally's relationship. Skipping class and dropping grades...are these important? YES! These are signs that something is wrong. Now, if the story stopped there then one shouldn't assume she's in an abusive relationship. However, these are absolutely signs that something is wrong in her life. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they hide or cover up qualities about themselves in order to please or satisfy their partner's demands or threats. For example, say Ally is normally a chatty girl, but when she's with her partner, she is quiet and timid. She restrains herself and doesn't feel comfortable or safe to express herself around him. This is a sign of possible abuse. So we have possible emotional abuse, and definite physical abuse since there are bruises on her arms.
Scenario #2: Justin is constantly checking his phone because his girlfriend is demanding to know who he’s with and where he is all the time. He recently told you she checks all of his texts and call records, and demands for his password to everything. If he’s hanging out with a girl, his girlfriend gets extremely jealous and angry and tells him he can never hang out with another girl or she’ll leave him. He’s admitted that he’s scared to break up with her because she’s threatened to hurt herself if he ever did.
Can a woman abuse a man? Absolutely, and this is a clear example of how women can emotionally abuse their partners. Justin's girlfriend is overly jealous and possessive by not "allowing" him to hang out with other girls. She is also posing threats, which is a sign of emotional abuse. She's threatening to leave the relationship if he doesn't do as she asks, but she is also threatening to hurt herself if he leaves the relationship. This leaves Justin feeling trapped. So we have emotional abuse here, but we also have digital abuse. Justin's girlfriend is monitoring Justin's activity and conversations without his consent. Also, demanding to know his passwords is a complete violation of Justin's independence and security. Not only does it damage trust issues, but it creates more power and control for his girlfriend.
Scenario #3: Nina just started dating her boyfriend, and is very religious. She wants to wait until marriage to have sex, but her boyfriend does not. She tells you he convinced her to have sex because he told her if she really loved him then she would do it regardless of her faith. Nina didn't want to, but she didn't want him to think she didn't love him. She tried to explain her faith and reasons to him, but he simply felt betrayed and made Nina feel guilty for being so "selfish". So, she had sex with him..
In this scenario, we see mainly sexual abuse but the emotional abuse exists as well. He may not be raping or coercing her, but he is manipulating and pressuring her. Instead, he should be respecting her faith and respecting her as a person. A lot of teens in an abusive relationship will hear, "If you really loved me you would..." and they feel obligated or pressured to do whatever their partner wants. This is not okay; both partners should feel comfortable in their own relationships, and EVERYONE deserves the right to say 'no' when they want to. Just because Nina is in a committed relationship does not mean she HAS to give up her virginity in order to keep her boyfriend around. Even in your own relationships and marriages, you ALWAYS reserve the right to say 'no'.
Now that we've dissected an abusive and unhealthy relationship, let's talk about the positives about a healthy relationship! We don't just want to stop abuse; we want to prevent it! Let's promote healthy relationships, and help guide teens to safer and healthier relationships. What does healthy love look like?
TRUST RESPECT HONESTY OPEN COMMUNICATION FEELING SAFE
ACCEPTING ONE ANOTHER SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER
RESPECTING BOUNDARIES NORMAL JEALOUSY (NOT TAKING IT OUT ON PARTNER) SUPPORTING PARTNER'S INDEPENDENCE COMMITMENT
Those are just a few and if you have others you would like to share, or have examples from your own lives, please share in the comments box!
Even though Teen Dating Abuse Awareness Month is coming to an end, we can still continue to raise awareness and education throughout the year. This issue is not going away anytime soon unless we fight against it. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't wait to call for help. If you would like to speak with me personally, or any other peer advocate on the URI campus, call: 401-874-9293. If it is an emergency, call the national hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
I hope everyone has a great Leap Year! Enjoy your invisible day and stay safe!
Do your part and stop the hurt.
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